


Whispering Your Name

by CaffeinatedFlumadiddle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Episode: s04e01-02 The Darkest Hour, Gen, Here's a tiny hint: dead can mean many things, Merlin has to deal with some confrontation, dorocha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-07-08 18:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19874179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle/pseuds/CaffeinatedFlumadiddle
Summary: The Dorocha. They are the voices of the dead, my child. And, like the dead, they are numberless.OrA different take of the dorocha. Instead of them being faceless screams that attack you, they are actually figures of the dead. Merlin doesn't quite realize how much death affected him until him and the knights go to close the veil.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Me: writing new content  
> Me: *sees my fans from unfinished fics commenting and liking my new fics*  
> Me: *sweats*
> 
> I PROMISE I'm slowly but surely finishing up everything I'm working on. I love you all so much and I am so shook y'all came over to other fandoms just to visit me. My muse from Voltron is just dwindling so it's a slower process now lol
> 
> Anyways. Here's some pain.

She was absolutely beautiful.

Arthur found it hard to concentrate – let alone breathe – as he drank in her appearance. He had seen it once before, but it had been so muddled in lies and betrayal that he had all but banished from his mind.

“Arthur.”

Soft. Her voice was soft…And sweet. Something he might have heard once – long ago for only seconds before it left him forever. His sword lowered slightly as he took in his own features. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. He had never seen much of himself in his father as much as he tried to. Now, he could clearly make out his face in the woman before him.

“Look at you,” She whispered, voice wavering and Arthur’s sword fell completely to his side. “My…You’ve grown.” She said and put a hand to her throat “My darling, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” He found himself saying back. It was true. He had missed her like how the ocean misses the sky. He reached out, ignoring the sharp gust of wind that surrounded them and the loud crying somewhere off in the distance. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

“Arthur.”

His hand faltered. That…That wasn’t his mother’s voice.

“ _Arthur!”_

The woman in front of him froze, her gaze flickering just for a moment before there was a gust of heat and a flash of orange. He stumbled back, panic rising in his chest as the form in front of him seemingly burst into white mist before ascending back up into the night, leaving Arthur cold and alone on the stone floor of his room.

“Wha-?” He started, but was cut off when he felt hands curl into his arm, gripping him tightly. All at once the world seemed to come crashing back down.

The dorocha.

“What happened?” He asked sharply, throat tightening. Merlin’s face came into view, standing in front of the window with a torch out as if the creature might come back. Glancing back at him, he let go to slam the paneling shut.

“They’ve gotten into the castle,” Merlin said simply and turned around “Are you alright?”

A pause. No. Not really.

“I’m fine,” He said instead and stood up, taking the torch from Merlin. A scream sounded from outside… Or what he assumed to be a scream. The sound was growing more familiar with each passing day. It was the noise that the dorocha made whenever they took a victim or whenever they touched fire. Like a thousand kettles left over heat. Arthur closed his eyes.

“We need to seal the tear.” He said. Part of him waited for Merlin to argue. To claim it was too dangerous or too…Something. Instead, the servant only looked at him with hard eyes that seemed a little out of place on the man.

“I know,” He sighed and took a step closer to him, shivering from the cold. “The knights are ready to leave at first light.” He added, twisting the sleeve of his tunic. Arthur nodded. “I’ll leave you to rest, sire.” He said and Arthur nodded again, looking back towards his bed where the candles that surrounded him had flickered out. He wondered how Merlin knew something was wrong in the first place.

“Merlin,” He started as the servant started to open the door. “What you just saw-”

“I won’t tell.” He interrupted and paused. His eyes flickered towards the window. “She looked just like you.”

Everyone told him that. Everyone who had known her. He never had known how true it could be.

Not knowing how to answer, the prince simply waved his dismissal.

He didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

* * *

Lancelot had never cried before.

Not in front of his fellow knights – let alone his _prince_. The shame would have overwhelmed him if it weren’t for the figure in front of him.

“Lance…Don’t be sad.”

“I’m…I’m not,” He whispered, voice trembling slightly. “Ector, please listen to me-”

“You don’t need to say anything.” The boy smiled, eyes lighting up. He tilted his head, sweetly shrugging his shoulders as he rolled on the balls of his feet. “I understand. I do.” He insisted and Lancelot felt a hand on arm, pulling him back. “And now you’re a knight!”

“I wouldn’t have been without you.” He said immediately “Ector, _please-_ ”

Whatever else he might have said disappeared from his throat as fire was waved in front of him, evaporating the boy in front of him. It took Lancelot a second to regain his senses, the world spinning awkwardly for a moment as he tried to orient himself.

“Ector…” He murmured, letting the hands pull him towards the large fire the others were gathered around. Dazed, he was finally able to digest it all when his gaze met Gwaine’s. “Dorocha.” He corrected himself and the other knight smiled, squeezing his arm. He looked over the fire to see the others all standing, each having been in the midst of getting ready to defend Lancelot if the dorocha had come too close.

“Dorocha.” Elyan agreed softly and handed him some bread. “I’m sorry.” He offered and Lancelot wordlessly took a bite. Everyone settled once more around the fire, though nobody else seemed to relax. After a few more seconds, he wiped the stray tears from his face, taking measured breaths.

“My little brother.” He finally whispered. “We were children and I…I couldn’t save him.”

“You don’t have to explain,” Merlin said gently and Lancelot’s eyes snapped to him. “We understand.”

“You remind me so much of him.” He said without thinking.

None of the knights said anything to that, but Lancelot caught the subtle clench of Merlin’s jaw. He offered a wry smile as an apology, but Merlin only shook his head softly. Forgiving as ever. Lancelot inwardly sighed. He knew about the sacrifice Merlin was so worried about giving at the veil… Between Arthur and Merlin ready to give away their lives…Lancelot had his work cut out for him.

He might not be able to save Ector…but he would save his king.

And the second little brother the gods had blessed him with.

* * *

Elyan wasn’t surprised to see his father.

It wasn’t the first dorocha he had encountered. His first had been with Gwen. Their mother had approach them both right before morning struck. If it hadn’t been for Arthur they both would have perished at her touch.

Still, there was something… _Worse_ with his father as he approached the camp. Arthur had already grabbed the torch, ready to slash fire at the figure, but froze when he recognized the face. For a moment, Elyan wondered if the dorocha was meant for him after all.

“I never apologized,” Arthur told him after Percival had thrown the torch when the prince hesitated “For your father.”

“It was Uther’s doing, not yours. Gwen told me as much.” Elyan said simply. Arthur frowned.

“But he is my father.”

“And yet, I am here to serve you.” Elyan told him and picked up a torch. Percival was being faced with not one – but three dorocha as they all approached with bright smile and waves. Elyan had paused the first time he had seen Percival’s dead loved ones.

“Hello, Kaia.”

“Daddy!” The little girl giggled, swinging her arms by her side. Elyan swung the torch before Percival was forced so hear her voice again. When Percival had mentioned his family was killed by Cenred…They had foolishly assumed he meant his parents and maybe some siblings...Not a wife and two children. Elyan supposed if anything, these dorocha would teach them a thing or two before this was over.

“Your father was a _noble_ ,” Arthur demanded as he followed Gwaine around the fire. Merlin hadn’t even looked up from cleaning the pots, confirming that he probably already knew this bit about their friend “ _You_ are a noble.”

“I believe I claimed that title when you knighted me.” Gwaine said stiffly.

“Why would you lie-”

“Because after my father’s death my mother was turned away from our king,” Gwaine snapped, eyes flickering as they reflected the flames they were all gathered by “And I decided I would redefine my understanding of nobles.” He said, hand curling around his sword as if he thought it might help him in this moment. “Now if you don’t _mind_ ,” He snapped callously “I would like a second to myself after seeing my dead father.”

Arthur quickly went quiet after that, though he could still see the frustration brimming over the king even when the sun rose over them.

“I hope we don’t have to see Sir Devonair.” Gwaine said lightly that morning as they continued forward “I reckon he is one that even the dead are trying to get rid of.” He told them as they traveled their way forward. Elyan looked towards Leon and Merlin, both giving weak smiles. Had they faced a dorocha yet? Surely, Leon had seen many deaths. He wouldn’t be surprised if a few came to haunt him.

At the very least, perhaps Merlin might make it out unscathed.

* * *

Merlin wasn’t in the mood to explain.

Luckily, nobody asked him to.

“Hello, my love.”

“Hello, Freya.” He said, staying close to the fire. The torches were too far. Too worn down. They would do no good at the moment. Luckily, the fire they had set up was still going strong. It would get them through the night, surely, but do nothing to ward off Freya.

Part of him didn’t really want her to go.

“Don’t worry,” She said and Merlin hated that she was wearing the dress he had buried her in “I told you we would meet again.” She smiled and he turned to face the fire. “I believe I still have to repay you.”

“You did long ago.”

“Perhaps,” She murmured and looked up towards the stars “But some kindnesses…They simply cannot be repaid. Love is one such thing.” She said and her eyes flickered back to him “Do you often dream of the life we could have had? If we had run away? Left Camelot?”

Arthur stiffened at that. Merlin knew they heard her words as he did, but nobody acknowledged it.

“Or the life we could have had?” A new voice asked and Merlin didn’t even bother to look up. He would know Will’s voice even through a thousand leagues of death. “If you had stayed?”

Stayed…Merlin would never admit the words aloud, but he often did think of what he could have had if he had stayed in Ealdor. The life he had discarded in favor of this torrid affair with destiny and death. As horrible it was to think – even in secret – he sometimes wondered if the world he was building was worth the world he had sacrificed.

“We would both be dead if I had stayed.” He said instead, pushing away the venomous thoughts that curled in the back of his minds. He tried to focus on the warmth. Moving so close to the fire that it seemed to almost burn him.

“Oh, I think you know that’s a lie.” Will chuckled and Merlin forced himself to raise his eyes. It had been years since he had seen Will’s face. The memory of it had almost gone from him. He smiled a little at the vision of it now…Even knowing it could kill him. “You and I…We would have lived…And been _free_.” He sighed and paused when he got too close to the fire.

“Please. Leave.” He gritted out. Who next? His father? That certainly wouldn’t bode well if Arthur saw.

“You think you can simply send them away?” Someone else called and Merlin froze. A few of the knights frowned, possibly at the hostile tone, but it was Arthur whose eyes flashed in vague recognition at the voice. “You know better than that.”

“What…” Merlin whispered, fury settling into his chest “Are _you_ doing here?” He growled and despite everything, he stood up. Hate was curling in him. “You are no loved one of mine. Not one day passes where I even _think_ of you!” He spat. Gwaine dropped his apple.

“Oh, don’t give yourself so much credit,” Nimueh smiled and tilted her head at him “You must think of me often.”

“I hated you.” He whispered “And I hate you still.”

The dorocha’s smile widened. With Freya and Will… It had been easy to ignore. His heart ached, but he knew they belonged there. Their voices had been stolen by death and he couldn’t bring himself to dislike not having them be restored…As painful as it was.

…but _her_? Merlin felt his jaw clench.

“You may have hated me,” Nimueh smiled “But I know part of you wishes you hadn’t killed me.”

Lies. Lies. Lies. _Lies_.

Anger roared in him. How dare she? How _dare_ she?

“Never.” He hissed, “ _Never_. You… You tried to murder my mother. Gaius. You would have let them die.” He growled, ignoring the banging in his ears as his heart thudded loudly. Nimueh tilted her head. From somewhere in the distance, he could sense Elyan shifting slightly – hand ready to grab him if he tried to leave the safety of the fire.

“And Arthur?” She asked, eyes flickering with knowledge that he couldn’t stand her having “You said you would trade a life for him.”

“I said _my_ life. _My_ life was the one I gave for Arthur’s.” He said and clenched his fist.

“And yet, it was my life given. _My_ soul given for a man who hated me and my kind. _My_ breath given for something I sought to destroy. Who has hunted and killed and tortured people like me for simply being.” She said and took a step closer as the fire dimmed ever so slightly “And that is why you see me, Merlin. Because you gave my life…And part of you knows how cruel that is. I imagine the guilt you carry must be unbearable.”

“I’m only surprise your life was enough,” Merlin snapped back “After all, Arthur is worth ten of you.”

Nimueh gave something of a laugh. It was more of a sharp exhale through her nose as she smiled and glanced at the ground.

“But you know,” She finally said “You know the truth now.”

There were so many truths…But he knew which one she meant.

“That I hadn’t…I hadn’t been so bad. So evil. That I only did as my king had bid me to do…” She said and Merlin couldn’t help but shift a little closer to the fire. “Would you have done anything differently in my place? I was no criminal. No evil sorceress plotting against the kingdom. And yet, I am the reason for the bloodshed among my kind.” She said and gestured wildly “Do you really blame me for my actions afterwards?”

“Yes.” He said stiffly. Nimueh scoffed, but nodded.

“You are in for some long nights, Merlin.” She said and looked towards where Freya and Will were standing. “The dead aren’t always the ones we once held dear to our heart. They are the pieces of yourself that you’ve executed. That life had poisoned. They are the voices of any shred of innocence you once had. Any hopes or dreams that filled your heart. Any resolve you have left behind.” She warned and stepped backwards. “And you, my dear foe, have lost more than you know.” She said and looked Merlin up and down with a small smile “Or perhaps you do know.”

“Get out.” He said, barely keeping his voice level. “ _Leave._ ”

“Another will simply take her place,” A new voice said and Merlin closed his eyes. He had to keep it together. He _had_ to. “I’m sorry.”

Merlin glanced towards where the torches were. Perhaps…Perhaps he could still figure out a way to light one. Maybe with magic. Nobody would notice. Nobody ever noticed. He could do it.

A hand pulled at the sleeve of his jacket and he spun around to see Leon looking at him with wide eyes.

“They’ll get you if you stray too far.” The knight reminded him gently, but there was confusion in his eyes… And shock. Merlin yanked his hand away, but didn’t move. From his place next to the others, Balinor smiled at him.

“You’ve grown.” He said as a way of greeting. “I did not think such a feat was possible.”

He shouldn’t respond. He couldn’t respond. So instead he turned back to the fire, taking slow and measured breaths as he stared into the flames.

“You need not be afraid,” His father called “We are simply voices. If you do not touch us…That is all we can be.” He said and Merlin moved his hands closer to the flames, wondering is burning was such a bad fate after all. “I am not just a dead soul to you, though. There were many more that died with me… People of Camelot. Innocents. Murdered by the Great Dragon.”

“Please.” Merlin whispered. “Do not do this to me.”

“I don’t wish to cause you anguish,” Balinor’s voice called “You saved a great many lives as well. You were a hero.”

The irony of all of this was that Merlin was quite sure he would rather jump into the fire right now than hear another word. Arthur wouldn’t have to stick him on a pyre after all. He would be all too willing to sentence himself than face those he could not save.

“I was no hero.” He murmured. More to himself than anyone else. Balinor didn’t respond. He didn’t have to. Merlin had taken it upon himself to count the lives that Kilgharrah took. He had even gone as far as to learn their names. To know the lives he had cast aside by releasing him.

Balinor did not speak again.

* * *

When the sun embraced them again, Merlin was first to his horse – all too ready to continue their journey to seal away these damn things. He had been almost finished with saddling up Arthur’s horse when a hand gently touched his shoulder.

“Merlin.” Gwaine offered as a way of greeting. “How are you doing?”

For some reason, the gentleness didn’t seem out of place on Gwaine. Merlin figured that despite the man’s abrasiveness and tendency to find a fight in everything, that

aside from Lancelot he quite possibly was the kindest of all of Arthur’s men. Or at the very least the one who had the strength to be kind.

“I’m fine,” He smiled and glanced over to where the knights were pretending not to be eavesdropping. “Can you do me a favor though?” He added, raising his voice just slightly so he wouldn’t have to repeat himself. Gwaine nodded. “Don’t ask.”

A pause.

“Merlin…Some of the things they said-”

“Please.” He interrupted and looked down at the horse’s mane. He ran his hand over the fur, smiling when she whinnied softly. “At least wait until the dorocha are gone for good.” He added and Gwaine swallowed, but gave a sharp nod.

Nobody asked him anything for the rest of the day…And when night came around, they not only ensured that their firewood was piled high, but that they had prepared multiple torches that were close by. Merlin had thought…If not for a moment, he was safe.

Then Leon’s sister came.

She…She wasn’t like the rest. Most dorocha were aware they were dead. This one…Not as much.

“Leon…Leon what’s _happening_?” Mary yelled flinching away from the flames that Percival had been swiping at her before Leon pushed his arm away. “Why…Where am I? I don’t understand. Why aren’t we at home? The fire hurts. Leon.” She whimpered and Merlin tried not to notice how young she was. How there were bruises on her face and arms.

The others…They hadn’t looked like this. So hurt and in pain. Merlin thought, with a bit of tightness in his throat, that if she didn’t realize she was dead that perhaps she was doomed to be trapped in the state she died in forever.

“Mary – _Mary!”_ Leon screamed and just as she tried to reach for him, Percival managed to bring the fire down. Mary screams were followed the scream dorochas made when they vanished. Silence followed as Arthur yanked Leon closer to the fire.

“Eat something.” He instructed and Merlin immediately went to grab more food from the packs. “Leon? Breathe.” Arthur’s voice continued, commanding as ever, but with a note of consolation. Merlin wondered if he had known Mary. If he knew how she had died.

“Merlin.”

“I have some cheese and meat here.” He said absently and grabbed a waterskin for good measure.

“Merlin. Come here. Now.” Arthur said and he turned to frown at him only to realize he had drifted too far from the fire. Lancelot had a torch held high – but was frozen – as if scared to move. It was then that Merlin felt the temperature drop and he realized there was something white only a few inches in front of him.

“Oh my God.” Elyan whispered and it was those words that made him realize he was safe.

The thing with the dorocha is that they didn’t always try to touch you. Merlin found with most…It was the temptation to grab them. To hold them. To reach for all that you have lost. Only the few actually tried to touch you…And this one wouldn’t harm him.

“Hello Morgana.” He whispered.

She smiled… In the way she used to smile. Her hair clean and combed and hands folded in front of her.

“Hello Merlin.” She said and looked over at the knights. Lancelot was tense and ready to charge – but seemed unwilling to startle Morgana into moving. Merlin tried to nod at him, showing there was nothing to fear. “It has been a long time.” She said and looked over her shoulder. “Why am I here?”

“There has been a tear…A tear in our world and the world of the dead.” He said and wondered if she realized…If she thought…No. He shook his head, trying to tear his thoughts away as his grip tightened around the food. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. How _sorry_ I am.” He said, swallowing. He had so many things he wanted to say – to explain. Morgana tilted her head.

“I know.” She told him “Trust me, Merlin. I know.” She said and took a step back. “Have I done this?” She said, gesturing around. Unable to trust his voice, he nodded. At that, Morgana pursed her lips. Her gaze flickered back to the knights – to Arthur.

“You look at me in fear,” She said softly and turned, facing the prince. “I’ve hurt you.” She guessed and looked at the ground. For a second, Merlin thought she might just walk away, but instead her eyes lifted and met Arthur’s. “I never wanted to be a monster.”

Arthur let out a shaky breath.

“Why?” He asked and Lancelot threw his hand out when he started to step towards her. “Why did you kill this part of yourself?” He demanded, voice cracking. Morgana blinked. The previous regret on her face vanishing into something…Something far more sad. Merlin couldn’t put his finger on it. Her expression hadn’t changed. Her stance hadn’t. Something about her eyes…They were just empty. Glistening.

“I didn’t.” She said and gave a weak smile “Uther did.”

It hurt. It _hurt_ – but something about it lifted a weight off of his shoulders. Hearing the words out loud… Knowing without a doubt that they were true. Merlin would have laughed if it weren’t for the look on Arthur’s face.

Nevertheless, Morgana must have sensed something because she turned to him – lifting a hand to touch him and then bringing it to her throat instead.

“I thought…” He found himself saying “The…With the hemlock…”

“I was gone long before that.” She promised “I only wish you hadn’t saved me, Merlin. It was cruel to make me live this way.”

“I thought I could bring you back.” He said weakly, though he knew it was no real answer. Morgana chuckled and nodded.

“Maybe.” Was all she said and stepped forward, raising both her arms forward as if to be shackled. “Well, brother?” She asked, giving a teasing smile. “I believe you’re supposed to burn witches, hm?” She said and nodded at the torch “Go on, then. Before I enchant you.”

“That isn’t funny.” Arthur growled at her. Morgana nodded.

“No…” She mused and her eyes flickered to the flames “Don’t worry, Arthur. It won’t hurt me…You can’t hurt me. Not anymore.” She murmured and when he didn’t move, lowered her arms. “I will tell you what my living self won’t…” She nodded and gave a warm smile “I forgive you.” 

Arthur lowered the torch onto her.

Strangely enough…Her dorocha didn’t scream.

* * *

Leon was finishing the bread and cheese when the next one came.

Merlin was kind of annoyed.

“I have no business with you.” He said, moving to put a pot of water over the fire. He deserved some tea through all of this if nothing else. From outside the circle of safety there was a scoff.

“And yet you knew I was here for you.”

“Simple deduction.” Merlin informed bluntly, throwing some herbs into the water before glaring up at the dorocha. Arthur was watching warily, eyes flicking between Merlin and the man who was drifting closer to them – though not quite brave enough to come as close as the others had. Merlin followed his gaze to the fire and for a brief second felt a stab of sympathy. “I know why you’re here.” He said instead and pulled out a ladle to stir the water “But you must think you had a bigger impact on me than you did.” He added. It was true after all. Probably. Possibly.

“You remember me.” Edwin pointed out, tilting his head slightly. Merlin didn’t respond. “I know…You might not regret it. I was trying to kill Gaius after all.” He mused, circling around their camp. Percival stood up, grabbing a torch to walk over and end the conversation.

“Wait.” Merlin said suddenly and Percival froze – though the servant could tell he could only stall the man for a few moments. Standing up, he peered around the knight to stare at the scarred face of the man who he had first seen use magic in Camelot’s walls. Good magic. Or so he had thought. Edwin smiled at him.

“Is there something you would like to say?” He asked – almost tauntingly.

Merlin tried to feel pity. To think of the child who had thrown himself amongst his parents’ pyres. To try and understand the fear. The bitterness. The _horror_ that anybody with magic must have lived through during the Purge…Hell, even afterwards.

“Do you have any idea how many people I’ve had to kill?” He found himself asking instead. Edwin’s smile widened. “For most of them…I don’t lose any sleep. I did what I had to do to protect Camelot and…” He paused “The people I care for.” He said slowly, abruptly aware of the eyes on him. He shook their gazes away – leveling his own at Edwin. “You were no different.”

“Perhaps,” Edwin nodded “But I was the first person you ever killed.”

Merlin pursed his lips.

“Maybe,” He agreed and snagged the torch out of Percival’s hand “And for now…You can also be my last.” He added coolly and tossed the fire at him. Immediately the man gasped, trying to scurry away from the flames. Within seconds there was a scream and Merlin watched as he evaporated into mist. Shaking his head, he turned back and grabbed a cup.

“Merlin…?” Lancelot murmured, nudging him. Merlin poured him a cup of tea.

When he looked up again, he met Arthur’s eyes.

“I’ve never seen you kill anyone.” He noted. His voice cool and…Well. Contained. As it always was when he was angry. Merlin didn’t answer. Instead he handed him a cup of tea before pouring one of his own. He looked out towards where Edwin had been standing. He wondered who else was rising from the dead to taunt him. “Merlin.” Arthur snapped out and he felt himself snapping back into reality.

“I had to,” He finally said, thinking back to Morgana. What would have happened if Edwin had succeeded in his plan of taking Gaius’ place as court physician? He would have killed Uther, certainly. Maybe even Arthur. Morgana though… Maybe things could have worked out differently for her. Merlin swallowed the thought, not willing to consider it more in-depth. “I didn’t want to…I thought he was my friend.” He murmured, bringing the tea to his lips, letting it burn him slightly. “I was wrong.”

* * *

They made it to the veil the next day…Right at nightfall. Merlin supposed it was only fair they face more dorocha before vanquishing them for good. They saw Elyan’s childhood best friend. Lancelot’s mother. Leon’s old squire he hadn’t been able to save. Percival’s father. A man Gwaine left behind to die.

Now this.

It was strange…Seeing himself as this sort of ghostly figure. He looked younger somehow. More alive than Merlin currently felt. The knights paused, each with a torch in hand, but they seemed unsure of what to do with it. Lancelot’s jaw clenched and Merlin knew that he could never hurt him…In any form.

“You don’t look surprised to see me,” the dorocha said, tilting his head a little to meet Merlin’s gaze “It’s been quite some time since we’ve talked, don’t you think?” He mused. Merlin pursed his lips. The dorocha took a step forward and Elyan waved the flames forward. The dorocha didn’t flinch away – he didn’t seem afraid of the fire at all. “You won’t hurt me!” He said brightly. Merlin scoffed. “They _won’t_.” The dorocha insisted and his brows came together “Do _you_ think that they would hurt you?”

Merlin hated this.

“No.” He answered through gritted teeth. The dorocha grimaced.

“You’re _lying_ ,” He grumbled, displeased “Don’t you trust your friends? I do." He said, jutting out his chin. Merlin tried not to let himself be jolted by the wave of shame that washed over him. "Everything is going to be fine - there's no reason to be afraid." He added and nodded at the fire in Elyan's hand. "See?" He asked and waved his hand over it. There was a hissing sound, but he wasn't close enough to it to burn away completely. Elyan pursed his lips - not moving the torch. There was that traitorous gleam of curiosity in his eyes that Merlin knew meant trouble.

"Will you let us pass?" Elyan asked instead. The dorocha blinked, brows furrowing together as he looked over his shoulder for a moment before looking back at them.

"Sure!" He said and just like that - stepped to the side "Go ahead - but I have to talk to you." He added with a nod toward Merlin's general direction. Gwaine, who had already started walking past, froze. "I don't understand why you killed me...I thought we were friends." the dorocha continued and something akin to a pout touched his lips. Merlin held out his hand, silently asking for the torch. Elyan went to hand it over but a hand grabbed his wrist.

"There's no need for that," Arthur said coolly. "He isn't going to harm us...All he wants is an answer after all." He added, eyes drifting to Merlin dangerously. There was no doubt in the servant's mind that Arthur - as had the rest of the knights - figured out he had lied. And quite often. They just didn't know about what.

"We need to seal the veil, Arthur." Merlin told him quietly. He knew it wouldn't do much. Arthur's eyes flashed. 

"Then hurry."

"You should tell him!" the dorocha said, eyes widening in realization "Now would be a good time! He wouldn't be upset - Arthur would understand." He added with an air of certainty that he could never remember possessing. "Think of how _wonderful_ it's going to be. After you tell the truth everything will be alright. That's how it goes, isn't it? All the killing will end and you can be free." He said, clapping his hands together. "I, for one, can't wait to be myself. It's going to be-"

" _Enough_." Merlin interrupted, unable to stand hearing another second. The dorocha looked shocked at being cut off. "No. No - what is _wrong_ with you?" He demanded. His hand had been open when he tried to reach for the torch, but immediately clenched as he tried to keep the shaking at bay. "You're going to get people killed!" He shouted and maybe it was because he was tired...Or had seen too much of the dead. But he just...Kept going. "It isn't a game. It isn't going to be solved by telling anyone anything. You don't _get_ to be free. Is that really how I used to think?" He asked, disgust rising.

"I... Why not? The others...They aren't bad people-"

"So? That doesn't mean they won't hurt you."

"They're my friends-"

"Then keep your mouth _shut_. Otherwise you'll watch them die!" Merlin shouted "You were given a job so just shut up and do it."

"I didn't ask for it!" the dorocha immediately snapped back "And it isn't like I'm _not_ doing my job. You think I like hiding? Acting like a fool? I could protect everyone so much better if I didn't have to hide." He insisted, throwing his hands up in the air. "Is it really so frightening to have hope? To trust people?"

"How do you think Freya ended up dead?!" Merlin found himself throwing back. It was a bit ridiculous - arguing with oneself - but there was really no one better to rile him up. "Or Will? Or Balinor? Because you _failed_. You thought the best of everyone and it ruined everything. How many times did Arthur almost die because you assumed everything would turn out okay? You're naive. If anyone were to know about you then they would kill you. They don't care _why_. If you care so much about your friends and the future of this kingdom then get over it." He spat out and the dorocha took a step back. "You may think that because you have a destiny that you're more than a servant but the truth is you're just a slave to destiny. You're _never_ going to see the fruition of your efforts because I can assure you that you'll die before you get a chance at happiness. Just go and make sure everyone else has a shot."

Silence.

Merlin's fists were shaking and he felt a hand touch his shoulder. Lancelot. He wanted to turn and look at his friend, but his eyes felt glued to the dorocha. Their eyes met and Merlin wondered when exactly this part of him had died. Had it been all at once? Or piece by piece? He thought back to every execution he had seen. Every dismissal or belittling comment thrown at him. At every betrayal and each time he had been forced to keep silent.

He had to kill him... It had been the only way to save the rest of himself.

"You know...When I asked why you killed me...I wasn't talking to you." The dorocha finally said and jutted his chin at Merlin again. "I was talking to _you_."

Merlin blinked. What was he...? He turned to his side in confusion and...Oh. His heart sank. This was somehow worse. Arthur's face when he realized made it so much worse.

"I trusted you." the dorocha told him.

"Hey," Merlin defended immediately. "It isn't his fault-"

"Oh, you don't think so?" the dorocha chided gently "You used to. You used to blame him for everything. After all, _he_ is the reason I was brought to Camelot. _He's_ the reason I watched so many people die. _He's_ the reason I was turned into a murderer. Why I'm treated like _nothing_. I helped keep Uther alive. _Uther_. For _him_. What has it brought me? Pain. Suffering. Loss."

"You could have left-"

"Could I?" the dorocha challenged and Merlin swallowed. The worst part of it all was he _remembered_ thinking this way. Shortly after he realized Arthur wasn't always the hero he thought he should be. When he realized Arthur wasn't going to immediately turn around and free his people. Merlin had expected too much from someone who had been raised to believe magic to be evil. It was ignorant. He knew that now. "Has any of this ever really felt like a choice?"

"Maybe not," He argued, putting a hand out in front of the prince as if to shield him from the words "But it is. And you chose to stay. You chose Arthur. Even if you don't get the reward you know _he's_ the right king and will do the right thing." He went to grab the torch - tired of the conversation and the need for dorocha to talk so much. Arthur's hand rose again, stopping him. Merlin didn't want to read his expression, but he tried anyways. It was completely void of any emotion.

"You said you would let us pass. Will you?" He asked. The dorocha shrugged.

"As soon as I have my answer." He said and looked the king dead in the eye "Why did you kill me?"

Merlin wanted to tell him he didn't have to. To just grab the stupid torch and finish it so they could close the veil. It wasn't like Arthur could even give an answer. He had didn't have enough information to give one...And even if he did, there was really nothing that could have been done on his part anyways.

"I didn't mean to," Arthur finally said. He figured that was as good an answer as any. "I was trying to save you."

Merlin would admit that was a bit confusing.

The dorocha rose an eyebrow. Still, something in his old self must have clicked because his expression cleared. Maybe he saw something in Arthur that Merlin had stopped seeing. At any rate, he seemed to consider the information for a moment before slowly stepping to the side so the entrance to the Isle of the Blessed was clear. Warily, the knights filed through - none of them turning their back completely on the dorocha until he was out of sight.

For a second, nobody said anything. Merlin wondered if he should. He definitely didn't want to.

"To the veil." Arthur announced before anyone could try and speak.

"To the veil." the men chorused weakly. Merlin took a step to follow them when he felt eyes on his back. He turned to find the dorocha watching through the doorway, expression somewhere between hopeful and angry. Two emotions that felt more like strangers at this point in his life.

For the first time, he wished Arthur wasn't so kind. Some things shouldn't be spared. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lied to you. This is 3 chapters now. I promise the next one WILL be the last tho.

Logically...It made sense that the tear was swarmed with dorocha. That was where they were coming from after all.

That didn't mean Arthur had to appreciate it.

He was _tired_. How many dead had he seen? How many voices had he heard? It seemed unfair that he would have to wade through more only to join them permanently when he offered himself as the sacrifice.

At least the dorocha weren't attacking them. Still, his men all held up their torches high - swords drawn as they moved closer to where a woman draped in black stood. The dorocha seemed to file on either side of them, most wearing hoods that covered their faces in old cloth. They felt familiar somehow, but he couldn't see their faces to be sure. At any rate he was more distracted by the little boy.

"I got it!" He said, trying to heave up a sword that was much too big for him. His knees were skinned and one of his front teeth were missing. Immediately he dropped the sword as soon as it touched the ground. Grumbling he reached down - trying again. The group paused in front of him. Unlike the rest of the dorocha, he didn't seem very interested in them. "I - _no_." He whined after he dropped the sword again. Merlin tilted his head head.

"Um...Hey. Kid." Gwaine said, clearing his throat. "Can you move that way please?" He asked, jerking his head towards one of the sides the other dorocha were quietly standing. The boy jumped - before wildly looking around.

"Who - Who goes there?!" He yelled and tried to point the sword at them. The tip fell into the ground. "I am the _defender_ of this realm. No man shall pass!" He shouted. Upon closer inspection, Arthur realized he had some dirt on the end of his nose making him look even more ridiculous. Leon's brows came together - confusion flickering over his expression before softening.

"Arthur?" He asked. The prince turned to him, but he realized a second too late that it wasn't him Leon had been speaking to.

" _Prince_ Arthur to you!" The boy said. Arthur grimaced. This should be fun. "The finest knight in Camelot!"

"Ah," Gwaine said. Despite the fact they were literal steps away from the tear that brought the dead into their world, he smirked. "Our apologies. We thought Prince Arthur was taller." He said and boy bristled, lower lip puckering out.

"I'm going grow..." He muttered and tried to raise the sword again "And I can still defeat you! Declare yourself!" He demanded and stumbled a little. Percival snorted, but immediately schooled his expression when Arthur turned to glare at him. Right. He rose his torch, ready to bring it down when the woman in black cleared her throat.

"It would be best if you refrained from using the fire," She said. Arthur tried to give her his full attention. She looked to be a hundred - though he knew she was possibly thousands of years older. Her face was gaunt - no sign of color anywhere other than pale blue eyes. Even her hair was white and withered. "It does not kill them but...Burned spirits come back more vengeful the second time around." She warned. Arthur wasn't entirely sure what she meant by that, but lowered the fire all the same. The boy didn't looked surprised.

"Coward!" He yelled "Declare yourself!"

"Arthur Pendragon," He announced dryly "Regent Prince of Camelot."

The boy's mouth dropped. For a second, he looked stunned before turning back to the woman in black as if she could confirm this. Merlin snorted. Slowly, the boy face them again, eyes narrowed and face filled with askance as he looked them up and down.

"And what is your intention... _Prince Arthur?"_ He said. Arthur could have cringed. Dear lord, if this was how he really was as a child than it was no surprise his father never took him seriously. Suddenly, doing a thousand impossible things to prove his worth to the throne seemed completely understandable. Arthur sighed. Clearly, the woman was going to use this dorocha as some sort of test for them to get through.

"I have come to seal the veil." Arthur informed him. The dorocha tried to lift the sword again, but after a few seconds of struggling, decided to pretend to lean on it instead, considering.

"And why are you worthy of doing such a thing?" He asked, jutting out his chin. Arthur had to bite his tongue. It was a good thing he was immediately dying after this. _Gwaine_ would never, ever let him live this down. "Perhaps you should fight me." The boy added with a solemn nod.

"I am prepared the pay the price." Arthur said, but he looked directly at the woman as he spoke. The dorocha blinked.

"What? Don't say _that_!" He whined "You're supposed to say because...You are the best knight there is! And honorable. And brave. And...And you did cool things like slay dragons or something." He said, brightening "Or defeated a single army by yourself! I could defeat a single army by myself." He tacked on with a raise of his eyebrows. Arthur could honestly not believe this was how he was going out, but okay.

"I won't change my answer."

"Then you shall not pass!"

What was _this?_ Irritated, he rose the torch again, but was stopped when the woman cleared her throat. She didn't say anything, but her face made the message clear. _Sorry your highness, no cheating_ _death._ Pursing his lips, he lowered his arm again before scowling at the boy. He was trying to think of something to respond with when Merlin stepped forward, waving his hand in front of the dorocha's face to get his attention.

"Your majesty?" He called and the boy regarded him warily.

"Who are you?" He asked and tried, once more, to point the sword at him "Do you also seek to close the veil between worlds?" He asked. Merlin nodded. "And why _are_ you worthy of such a task?"

Arthur clenched his jaw. It had no escaped his attention - it _couldn't_ have escaped _anybody's_ attention - that Merlin's dorochas were...Intense. And telling. Merlin's obvious dislike of them even more so. He had always known his servant kept secrets...Arthur had assumed it was more along the lines of how often he went to the tavern or if he was bedding anyone. That sort of thing. Not...Whatever the Hell he ranted about with destiny and loss or what not.

Not that he had once _hated_ Arthur.

"I tamed a dragon." Merlin informed him. The dorocha blinked. "And not just any dragon...The Great Dragon of Camelot." He said with a nod. The boy's eyes widened slightly before he shook his head.

"Not uh. You don't look like a knight." He said skeptically. Merlin smiled and shook his head.

"No," He agreed "I am most certainly not...But I did tame the dragon among...Other things." He said with mischievous glint. Something told Arthur that he found this childhood version of the prince amusing, which Arthur didn't appreciate. Then again, he had met Arthur when they were both teenagers. So maybe Merlin had already seen most of his embarrassing phases anyways. 

"Other things? What other things?"

"Oh...You wouldn't believe me. You didn't even believe me with the dragon and that isn't even the best bit." Merlin said, voice teasing. The dorocha dropped the sword altogether, mouth opened in disapproval. "I also killed the Questing Beast...And helped a friend of mine kill a griffin."

"There's no such thing!" The dorocha spluttered "I..." He started, but paused when Merlin raised an eyebrow.

"See? I knew you wouldn't believe me." He clicked his tongue and sighed "Oh, and I couldn't even tell you about the time I took down an immortal army."

"Two," Lancelot called and Arthur whipped around to stare at him. "I believe it was two immortal armies."

"Ah, how silly of me." Merlin said, hitting his forehead "Thank you, Lancelot. There was two of them." He said. The rest of the knights turned to look at Lancelot who only shrugged in response. Was he just playing along...? Or did he know whatever secrets Merlin was keeping? Better yet, how serious the man about those two immortal armies? Arthur's mind flashed his father commending Morgana for single-handedly ridding them all of the skeletons in the battle against Cenred. Only now he knew she hadn't been on their side... And hadn't Lancelot been alone with Merlin when Morgause's army attacked them with the Cup of Life?

A very faint suspicion lodged itself into Arthur's mind, but before he could deliberate more on it, Merlin spoke again.

"Will that deem me worthy? I have a few other things if that's not enough..." He said. The dorocha stared, gaping at him for a moment before he slowly put a hand to his chin, seemingly in deep consideration.

"I...Guess. You are _perhaps_ , worthy." He told him and after a few seconds, looked back at the woman "THEY CAN COME THROUGH!"

"Thank you, your highness." She smiled and the dorocha dashed off, dragging the sword clumsily behind him. The woman chuckled. "Ah, youth. Innocence. A shame such things must leave wither and leave us." She commented and tossed her hood back. "Though I suspect for you, Arthur Pendragon, it left you sooner than most."

Arthur already didn't like this woman.

"Who are you?" He asked, ignoring her question. The woman looked at Merlin, brows raised. Arthur felt his annoyance raise again. "Do _you_ know who she is?" He asked, a bit sarcastically. Sure. Why wouldn't Merlin know the mysterious lady who stood in front of the veil that led to the world of the dead? How silly of him.

"The Cailleach," Merlin said with a bit of hesitation "Gatekeeper to the spirit world."

"Indeed," She agreed "You do not look pleased to see me, Emrys."

Arthur wished he was more surprised...At this point though? Of course, Merlin lied about his name. He wanted to more upset, but considering his death loomed around the corner...He couldn't find it in himself to really be angry. At least not at him. Not now. Not when he had someone _else_ be upset with.

"It is my understanding that you require a blood sacrifice to close the veil?" He asked. The Cailleach hummed. An uncomfortable murmur went over his men. Leon shifted nervously at his side, arm loosening on his sword as if he might drop it to grab the prince instead. Arthur swallowed. He didn't feel...As scared as he thought he might. Death was a constant in his life, but he had never considered it too closely for himself even if it slept under his bed.

"That is what it took to open it." She said and from behind her, Arthur saw Morgause watching him near the edge of the veil. So she was dead after all. At least he had that knowledge for certain. She smiled when their eyes met - cold as ever. He wondered if there was another dorocha of her somewhere...Someone kinder and innocent. For a second he felt a wave of hatred overtake him until he remembered Morgana. Morgause hadn't been the one to take that kindness out of her. It would be so much easier if she was. The Cailleach shifted, drawing his attention back to her. "Do you know what a gatekeeper does?" She asked. Arthur frowned.

"Of course. They allow people to pass through...Or don't let them pass." He added. The job was common enough - even if it didn't typically involve the voices of the dead. The Cailleach nodded.

"For me, it is not so simple," She said and gestured to the hooded figures that surrounded them "I hear all stories of those who pass into the world of the dead. It is what I demand of them as the price of entrance." She told him and Arthur pursed his lips. Was she expecting him to sit here and tell her about his life? Before she slaughtered him? Leon's sword lowered completely now. "I would like you to hear some of their stories." The Cailleach told him and Arthur looked among the throes of dorocha around them.

"All of them?" He asked "My people are _dying-_ " He started, but the woman only laughed.

"Everyone dies, my king. Besides, you owe these souls." She said and Arthur would have responded that he wasn't a king if he hadn't been distracted by the first figure pulling their hood down. A woman looked around, dark hair falling free around her shoulders.

"Have you brought my son?" She asked. Arthur opened his mouth, but no words came out "Please - he's stuck out there. He's stuck in that well." She said, voice catching before turning to the Cailleach "When will he come home?" She said, voice trembling. The Cailleach sighed, almost looking bored at her words.

"I have told you once before...Your son's spirit is restless. The druid's shrine will keep him quiet for now." She told her and the woman's lip trembled for a moment before she looked back at Arthur.

" _Please_..." She whispered "You must release him. Appease him." She tried and reached out for him - Percival thrust his torch out in warning and she flinched away. "I know you hadn't meant for it to happen." She said instead and Arthur felt his skin prickle when he caught sight of her wrist.

"You're...A druid." He said and looked around. The figures each lowered their hoods. "You're all druids."

"The ones who made it here," One man said "There are others who still roam the place we were killed - only made docile by the magic of our kin." He said and offered a weak smile before stepping forward "I believe you know the place, Arthur Pendragon." He said and Merlin made a noise of irritation in the back of his throat.

"Do not blame him for Uther's mistakes." He said sharply. Arthur flinched. He didn't like how vehemently Merlin still defended him. As if that hadn't been part of his charade the whole time. The druid turned to the servant, eyes looking him over coolly.

"Emrys," He greeted "You are...Young." He commented, but the distaste was clear in his voice "And clearly naive. Even now." He said, eyes flicking to somewhere behind them. Arthur didn't turn, but he somehow knew Merlin's dorocha was there. "I had expected the gods to send someone..." He paused looking for the words "Better." He finished. Merlin flinched.

"I protect Arthur and Camelot." Merlin told him evenly "Both are still standing. They will _continue_ standing-"

"All that is very well," Another druid spoke. This time a woman who didn't seem much younger than the Cailleach "But where were you to protect us?" She asked. Merlin froze. "Are we not under your protection, Emrys? Are you not our leader?" She asked evenly. "Yet you allow our kind to be slaughtered still." Arthur felt the world spin for a moment as he replayed the words. Something seemed to click, but he couldn't understand what.

Leader.

_You don't get to be free._

_If we had run away? Left Camelot?_

_We would have lived…And been _free__

__I thought he was my friend_ _

__After you tell the truth everything will be alright. That's how it goes, isn't it? All the killing will end and you can be free._ _

Merlin was a druid.

No - he the _leader_ of the druids. Arthur's body went cold as he turned to the man, his breath momentarily leaving him. All the time... He had... Arthur wasn't sure if he was processing the information as much as the betrayal. For once, though...Merlin didn't seem preoccupied with Arthur. He was looking towards the druids all watching him.

"Where were you when he gave the orders to kill us?" The first woman asked "When he killed my son?" There was no anger in her voice. That made the sting worse. Arthur immediately felt his previous anger waver. He had no right hold ire in this moment.

"Arthur didn't-"

"I did," He interrupted quietly. Merlin spun towards him. Disbelief was written on his face for a moment before...Fear. Arthur honestly didn't blame him. Here they were surrounded by the druids that had been murdered in his first raid only for Merlin to be revealed to be a druid himself. That wasn't exactly when someone would feel safe. Merlin swallowed and looked at the dorocha before taking a long breath.

"I don't understand...Are you here for him or me?" He asked and the Cailleach scoffed.

"The dorocha do not come for one person, Emrys...And if they simply are tied to people they were tied to when they were alive. You and the future king...You know you are indistinguishable from one another. There isn't a soul that walks that this earth that can only be affected by one of you. You are-"

"Two sides of the same coin," Merlin interrupted with a sigh as he ran his hand though his hair "Yes. Yes, I've heard that before." He murmured and looked at all the druids watching him. "I... I'm sorry." He said, voice going small. "I don't know how to protect everyone. Arthur is hard enough and I...I hadn't realized-"

"That you must also protect us from him?" The man asked and grimaced. "You are a child. Why would you know? The gods should have not chosen such a fate for someone who wasn't around to see the purge. To see the bloodshed and live in fear-"

"I have lived in fear." Merlin interrupted him, voice growing dark "And I have seen bloodshed."

Arthur looked towards his knights. They all seemed just as unsure of the situation as Arthur was. Uncertain of their next move. Surely, they had thought arriving at the Isle of the Blessed meant some sort of resolution. Not another trial where their swords were useless. Taking a torch from Lancelot, he stepped forward.

"It is me who killed you," He pointed out "Or at least gave the order to."

"Don't," The woman interrupted "Save your regret...My son will need it. Sorrow will do nothing for us here." She said and looked towards the sky. A smile tugged at her lips before she looked at the ground "It's been awhile since I've seen the stars..."

"I understand you think to sacrifice yourself, young king." The Cailleach broke in, shuffling past a few of the druids who were watching them. "As do you, Emrys. However, I cannot accept two sacrifices," She warned "Nor can I take one half from another."

This...Wasn't the best news. Arthur knew - without a doubt - he would not let a single knight here take his place. He opened his mouth to tell her so, only for the words to fall out be:

”My other half is a druid?” He asked, a little skeptically. From beside him, Merlin’s face hardened.

”Don’t call me that!” He snapped, eyes flashing with ire. Arthur rose an eyebrow while the druid man scoffed. Arthur had always known the druids to be peaceful... However, that didn't seem to dismiss them from petty comments and passive aggressiveness. Arthur figured it might just be a human thing.

”You don’t even wish to be associated with us now?” He asked and Merlin whirled around to face him, previous regret now morphing into resentment as his fist closed by his sides once more.

”I was not raised as a druid. I was just told I was one. I was just told I was Emrys and told I was to protect Arthur and Camelot. Nobody showed me how! Nobody explained any of it. No druid has ever said why I was chosen to build this kingdom or why Arthur was chosen to. I had no idea I was your leader! Your people dumped this on me and expect me to learn it all in a land where magic isn’t even legal! Of course I don’t feel like a druid,” he said and pointed at Arthur “And if he calls me that now than that’s all he’ll _ever_ call me. Never my name. Never his friend. Never anything but a _druid_.” He spat out.

"It is a shame," The old woman murmured "That you have allowed them to poison your mind enough for you to resent what you are."

"I'm not-" Merlin started and took an even breath. "How can we close the veil? If I cannot give my life there must be _something_ else you are willing to accept." He reasoned. Arthur pursed his lips. Something told him that the Cailleach wouldn't be so easily dissuaded for her quest for blood. She looked at Merlin for a moment before turning her eyes to Arthur.

"I'll do it." Lancelot said, stepping forward. "I am no king or..." He looked at Merlin, a smile hinting at his lips "Hero. I am a servant to my kingdom." He said and nodded his head. Merlin immediately threw his hand out as if that had any hope of stopping the knight. He looked at the Cailleach, expression hardening.

"You will not accept him as a sacrifice." He said, lowly. It was actually a little...Frightening. Merlin's voice held an edge to it that all but confirmed that this man wasn't the one he had come to know. Just a lie. A mask. He tried not to focus on it now. He would deal with the loss another time. Besides, he felt he had been betrayed enough by now that he would be used to it. The Cailleach rolled her eyes.

It seemed a little out of place given her general demeanor, but maybe they were an exasperating group.

"You have seemed to notice a pattern of rules bending for your benefit, Emrys." She told him, coolly. "You gave Nimueh's life when it should have been your mother's. You let Mordred live when you were told to kill him. You allowed Uther to use the one weapon you were specifically told not to...There has almost always been some tool at your disposal to fix irreparable problems." She chided. Merlin's eyes narrowed. Arthur almost wanted to point out that based on recent events...Merlin had _clearly_ not won every battle.

"I will not allow you to take my friend's life." He said and glanced back at the group "Any of them."

Well. This was a bit of a situation Arthur had no prepared for. Now that he wasn't able to sacrifice his own life he couldn't be certain he had a backup plan. There hadn't been many people he had met that _didn't_ want him dead. It would have been a nice change of pace if it wasn't so inconvenient.

The Cailleach smiled a bit before looking at Arthur. She didn't say anything, but something in her eyes almost seemed...Apologetic. Arthur's grip on his sword tightened, readying for her to send them all into a wall or some other force of magic. She didn't though. She merely gave a slight tip of her head before taking a step back. From Arthur's other side, Leon's brows furrowed in confusion.

"The hardest part of being a leader - of being a true king - is knowing the men most loyal to you will be the ones you must ask to die." A man said, walking over. Arthur didn't recognize him. He looked around at the others in hopes that someone else would speak, but they seemed just as bewildered by the man's presence. He was clearly a dorocha - slightly translucent as he stepped forward - but nobody that Arthur knew.

"Wise words," He greeted with an air of caution "I assume you have sent men to die?" He asked. The Cailleach was watching them closely - as if this was another test. Perhaps he past them all she would just let them close the veil without so much trouble.

"Oh, much." He murmured "I didn't always though. Back when I was a prince..." He smiled wistfully. He seemed... Something that Arthur couldn't put his finger on. He was dressed in armor - a favor tied around his arm. "I believed in putting my mens' lives before my own. To put those I loved high above myself...Perhaps in some ways I still do." He mused and tilted his head "You and I are the same age, I think." He said with a bit of a smile flickering at his lips. "We don't look much alike."

Morgana. This man reminded of Morgana. Arthur turned to the Cailleach.

"...father?" He asked, a little uncertain. This man's smile was different. Hell, his entire demeanor was different. A sort of warmth he couldn't ever remember his father having washed over him. Uther's smile widened and he gave a slight bow of his head. Arthur took a breath, steadying himself.

Even if he didn't recognize this man it hurt to think this was once him while the one he knew was in the castle staring blankly out the window.

"You look so much like your mother..." He said and glanced over at Merlin "And you, your father."

Merlin choked.

"You know who my father is?" He asked, stepping back. Uther chuckled.

"The dead talk among one another...And we sometimes peer into the land of the living. I should thank you for all you have done for my son and my kingdom." He added. Merlin looked dumbfounded. "Not words you expected from me?" He asked. Merlin opened and closed his mouth a few times before giving a weak smile as an answer. "No...I suspect not. Ygraine's death. It hardened something in me. Killed most of who I was." He murmured "I hate to think my daughter suffered a similar fate."

Something was wrong. He looked at the Cailleach.

"Why is he here?" He asked, voice wavering slightly in suspicion. Something was clicking together in his mind - a horrible, _horrible_ idea that he suspected the Cailleach would offer them. He looked back at his father and felt his throat tighten. "No." He said and looked away, hating that tears were already trying to form. "Do not...Do not say it." He whispered.

"You say you will not kill your friends...And I cannot kill you or Emrys." The Cailleach told him, voice indifferent "I offer you another choice."

Arthur felt another weight fall on his shoulders. All these responsibilities...All these _lives_ hung in the balance. Even now, people in his home were dying from the dorocha roaming around. Arthur had been ready to pay the ultimate price to stopping it...but really, he had been ready to sacrifice the minimum. His own life seemed so little compared to everyone and everything that surrounded him. Uther grimaced.

"You and I do not know each other I'm afraid," He said and lifted a hand. Elyan rose his torch in warning "But I can assure you... I do not like what I've become. I roam among those I have slaughtered - hearing their screams and cries for mercy. There is nothing I can do for them. Magic...Magic may have not killed your mother, but it did kill me. I let it fill me with hate and pain. It has cost you and Morgana so much. I suspect I have killed you more times than I have protected you. For that...I am sorry." He said. Arthur shook his head. He knew where this is going. His whole body felt numb at the thought of it.

"Don't..." He tried. The Cailleach looked at Uther and nodded.

"Allow me to make things right," He said and the prince could have just turned away, unwilling to hear more "I can go to the king. I will ensure my death is painless and it will be enough to seal the veil."

"You ask me to sacrifice my own father?" Arthur yelled at the Cailleach "Have you no compassion?"

The dorocha grimaced and shook his head.

"I don't think you ever met your father, Arthur. Not completely anyways." He said softly and flinched. "Another has just perished. Arthur. I have never asked you to take the easy path, but I tell you now that you must make this choice now. Either me...Or one of your men. Each - _all_ of us will die for you...But this is your choice. A choice that will remain with you throughout your time as king." He warned.

Arthur would _not_ cry.

For a second he wanted to tap into his child-self again. To stop his foot and demand it wasn't _fair_. He should be able to fight his way out of this. To treat the world as one very long battle and be the _best_ at winning with no casualties. However, despite what all the poets and writers claimed...Life was no battle. Battles at least allowed there to be victors.

"Arthur," Elyan spoke up quietly. "You don't have to do this. I can be the sacrifice."

Maybe it was because it was Elyan who said it...Elyan who had lost his father to Uther. Elyan who had almost lost his sister to Uther. Who was willing to die to protect a man that would have never seen him a knight because of the sole reason that he knew Arthur loved him. He turned back and saw the other knights giving similar nods. Hell, Lancelot seemed to be considering just jumping into the pile of dorocha surrounding them. Perhaps he would have if it weren't for Merlin narrowing his eyes at him. Arthur turned back.

"The version of my father...The one I know," He said softly and met Uther's eyes "He's dead too, isn't he?"

There was a pause before Uther nodded.

It...Hurt that even as they faced swarms of the dead - friend and foe - that his father hadn't shown himself. Arthur could only see the version before him...And now must decide the fate of the one after. The knights all nodded to him at once. Arthur knew his decision.

"Lancelot," He said and Merlin stiffened "Get away from the edge. You're too close to the veil." He warned. Lancelot frowned, but followed the order without question. He turned to his father. "Do it." He said and reached out to grab him only to freeze and remember he couldn't "Tell him I'm sorry." He said, refusing to let any emotion into his voice as he got out the words. Uther smiled.

"I believe I will be too grateful to accept." He told him, but nodded anyways. There was a slight breeze and just like that...He was gone. Arthur lifted his eyes back up to meet the Cailleach's. She bowed her head.

"We will remember your choice, Arthur Pendragon." She said and immediately the dorochas disappeared - even if the gaping rip hadn't. "Sacrifices are never easy but they do reveal what matters most." She said and turned to Merlin with her eyes flicking over him with the first bit of uncertainty he had seen on her. "Emrys...You and I shall never meet again. So I should take this this time to tell you what the druids have not."

Merlin didn't look particularly thrilled by this, but nodded anyways.

"You were not chosen by the gods," She said and Merlin's brows furrowed "You were chosen by _magic_. It is what you are and what you will always be. The only reason magic can be used for good now is because _you_ are good. Lose that and you risk your people's future. I'm afraid that is one part of yourself that can never allow to die. No matter how dark or cruel the world is to you...Know you are all that stands between victory and failure for all those who use magic."

Merlin opened his mouth - Arthur could see the objection written on his face before he even spoke.

"Magic is a tool," He objected "It can't be good or evil alone. How can-"

"My child," the Cailleach interrupted gently. She looked like she may say more but instead lifted her hood back up. "Good luck."

There was a sharp pang of light - knocking them all off-balance. Arthur hissed, hitting the ground with a loud bang as the rubble around them trembled. Screams followed afterwards - high pitched and long before there was a sudden nothingness that left the world spinning. He shot up, looking around to see the tear gone along with the Cailleach.

The warmth had returned to the air, but Arthur still felt cold. The missing veil could only mean one thing...The sacrifice had worked.

The king was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Remember when I thought this was gonna be a one shot? Lol. Sorry to trick you but the only reason why I didn’t stick to 2 chapters is because I realized I was gonna have to add Lancelot’s death in there anddddd I literally love him so much. I would rather write a whole other chapter figuring out a way to let him live than have to start out the chapter with: “Ironically, Merlin missed the dorocha. He would gladly take another day of murderous spirits floating around if it meant he could have one last conversation with Lancelot.” 
> 
> As an apology you can can also have the start to the next chapter:
> 
> The ride was mostly silent for the first hour. Even the horses seemed to sense the influx of emotions and kept silent as they all moved forward. 
> 
> “So,” Gwaine finally spoke “A lot of people said some wild and unexpected stuff the past few days and I’m just wondering if we should address it before entering Camelot. I need to know whether to grab Merlin and run.” He said, voice slightly teasing but underneath Merlin sensed he wasn’t entirely joking.
> 
> Lancelot scoffed. 
> 
> “Don’t worry about it. Gaius and I came up with a plan years ago if he was ever found out.” He said and Merlin turned around to stare at him.
> 
> “You what?” He asked and from the front of the troop, Arthur turned to glare at them all.
> 
> “Good to know I killed my father to spare two of my knights who openly discuss treason against me while I’m present.” He said and any humor that had built up immediately disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM finishing fics left and right this weekend. Here's another.

The ride was mostly silent for the first hour. Even the horses seemed to sense the influx of emotions and kept silent as they all moved forward.

“So,” Gwaine finally spoke “A lot of people said some wild and unexpected stuff the past few days and I’m just wondering if we should address it before entering Camelot. I need to know whether to grab Merlin and run.” He said, voice slightly teasing but underneath there was a sense he wasn’t entirely joking.

Lancelot scoffed.

“Don’t worry about it. Gaius and I came up with a plan years ago if he was ever found out.” He said and Merlin turned around to stare at him.

“You what?” He asked and from the front of the troop, Arthur turned to glare at them all.

“Good to know I killed my father to spare two of my knights who openly discuss treason against me while I’m present.” He said and any humor that had built up immediately disappeared. Lancelot bit his lip, eyes flickering over the prince uncertainly. No. Not prince - the king. He grimaced as the realization fully sank in that they would be returning home to find Camelot changed from how they left it. He tried not to let the guilt eat at him. If he had been quicker than perhaps Arthur wouldn't have to deal with the loss of another parent. He shouldn't have given him the chance to decide.

 _Perhaps,_ a voice whispered in the back of his mind, _that would be even more cruel_.

Maybe. Lancelot supposed they would never know for certain. All he really knew what that Arthur would have to live with that choice.

"We should set up camp here," Arthur said, nodding towards an open area of the forest. Leon and Elyan exchanged looks, but said nothing. The sun was still high enough that they could travel a few hours more...but if Arthur wanted to delay the trip back, he supposed they would let him. Merlin slid off his horse looking around warily. Lancelot's train of thought immediately altered course. Merlin.

Lancelot liked to think nobody would dare hurt his friend even after all that had happened - _especially_ after all that had happened...Still, he got off his horse and walked to the servant's side as he let his gaze fall to see if anyone was poised for an attack. Leon frowned, but said nothing. Lancelot supposed out of all the knights it would be Leon who he should be most wary of. The rest of them had found and followed Arthur...Leon had been a knight under Uther first. His thoughts were interrupted by the crunching of leaves as Merlin ignored them all, immediately gathered supplies, readying food and throwing wood together for a fire. Arthur paused in unsaddling his horse to watch him.

"Wouldn't it be faster to use magic?" He called and Lancelot winced. The tone was curt and even a little daring. Merlin paused in consideration. Lancelot expected there to be a bit of defeat in his expression but there was only surge of defiance.

"Perhaps it would." the servant answered coolly and tossed some blankets on the ground without bothering to expand on that. Arthur rolled his eyes and yanked his things off the horse with a bit more force than necessary. Immediately the horse snorted in disapproval, bucking at Arthur slightly.

"Merlin...?" Elyan finally spoke, looking around them with a bit of hesitation "Are you, um...Sure you want to ride back with us?" He asked and winced when Arthur's gaze fell to him. "My sister would be distraught if she were to see..." He trailed off. Lancelot swallowed at that. Gwen. Right. That was something Lancelot had been mulling over as well.

"Where would I go?" Merlin smiled at him weakly and tossed him an apple. Gwaine made a noise of impatience.

"Nowhere. Arthur won't kill you - right?" He said, turning to the king. "He won't." He added with a firm nod, snatching the apple from Elyan to take a bite.

Silence followed - only interrupted by the crunching of the apple.

"Why would a _druid_ even come to Camelot?" Arthur finally said, frustration finally breaking free as he spun around to face them "You've seen what happens! And all that nonsense about destiny and -" He began, words tripping over one another "Leader of the druids?" He shouted, throwing his hands in the air. Percival grimaced. "And a murderer too! I kept saying the druids were peaceful - but apparently you've killed a bunch of people so-"

"I'm sorry," Merlin interrupted - eyes darkening as he spun around to glare at Arthur "Are you acting as though you _haven't_ killed anyone? Did I imagine all those times I've seen you run people through with swords? Or did they magically heal with - oh, wait." He deadpanned with a snap of his fingers " _Magic_ can't heal people. Oh no, it's too evil. My bad." He said and Lancelot tried not to raise his eyebrows at the temper. It wasn't like Merlin to lash out at people but he supposed given that Merlin's past had literally rose from the dead to confront him...Well, he would snap under the pressure too.

"It is _not_ the same!" Arthur shouted "You have lied about...Everything!" He laughed "Literally _everything_. Did you even feel guilty?" He asked, shaking his head. His hand didn't go near his sword, but Lancelot kept a hand on his...Just in case. "That you came here just to get whatever destiny you have and just _ruin_ everything else?"

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Merlin said, now completely abandoning setting up camp to turn and yell back. Percival subtly placed himself between them, but it did nothing to temper down either's ire. "I was _born like this_. I had no choice in any of it! You think I _wanted_ to be scared my entire life? To have to live in secret? To run and hide and watch anybody like me burn and slaughtered?" He said, taking heaving breaths "I was moving objects with my mind before I could even _talk_. And do you know what that meant? That I was trapped inside so nobody could see me. That I couldn't talk to people or have friends or anything until I could figure out how to hide. After years I finally make _one_ friend who finds out about my magic and I get _sent away_. Then I learn the only person I could trust to teach me to control it was living in bloody freaking Camelot!" Merlin laughed, a bit hysterically "Then guess what? I got to see a wonderful beheading right when arrived and met _you_."

"And you decided why no manipulate the future king into your druid agenda?!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS A DRUID!" Merlin shouted "The only reason I found out was because the bloody dragon _your_ father locked under the castle wouldn't stop babbling in my head until I talked to him. _He_ was the one who told me to protect you. That I had some grand destiny! I never wanted it!"

"Then why didn't you just leave?" Arthur sniffed, refusing to be deterred. Lancelot felt a little dizzy watching them go back and forth. The others were all frozen to their spots, uncertain for how long they should allow the fire to inch towards the tar.

"Because that meant you would die!" Merlin screamed, throwing his hands out in frustration. After a few seconds he took a long breath "I didn't like you but I didn't think you deserved to die." He added - voice lower now - though Lancelot could tell the anger was carefully measured. "Then I ended up thinking you weren't a bad person after all." He muttered and clenched his jaw "Though apparently you slaughtered an entire village of druids so maybe I'm just a bad judge of character." He laughed bitterly "Funnily enough, your father is the only Pendragon who has ever lived up to my expectations. You and Morgana have been complete disappointments."

"Merlin." Lancelot interrupted and shook his head. What was he _doing?_

"Am I supposed to be more diplomatic?" Merlin asked him, voice bordering hysterical "Begging for my life? Because what _I do_ affects all of magic apparently!"

Lancelot let the words digest. Right. The Cailleach. Her parting words had struck Lancelot as odd but he hadn't considered the impact they would have on his friend. More stress to a situation that had already been pushed to it's limit. His chest tightened and he realized that maybe this anger wasn't really meant for Arthur after all.

"We don't know for sure what she meant-"

"Of course we do!" Merlin interrupted, tugging at his hair. His voice was going a bit higher - the anger drifting into something more panicked. More scared. Lancelot wasn't sure he had ever heard Merlin frightened - _truly_ frightened - before. "I'm supposed to be the one to get Arthur to accept magic or all my kind is doomed, right? Because protecting him isn't enough - no, no. I'm supposed to be protecting my people too. Defending them against the person who is prophesied the end their slaughter. Which, I've failed at because nobody bothered to tell me that part. And now if Arthur hates me then he'll just continue his father's work and that means I can't make any mistakes or show any anger because that inherently means magic is bad and-" He said and cut himself off, voice falling into more of terrified ramble. "I've already failed. They told me I did. I didn't protect them from Arthur...I couldn't save Morgana. Now, Mordred is probably going to come back because I didn't kill him and I...I can't do it. I tried. I _tried._ " 

His voice sounded so ridiculously small. The desperation was so raw that Lancelot was immediately rethinking their entire relationship. He thought knowing about Merlin's magic had lessened the burden on some level. Allowed there to be some trust or at least comfort. Clearly, it wasn't enough. He went to reach out to him but Gwaine had already taken a step forward. Merlin flinched and Lancelot almost felt bad for Gwaine as he registered the movement. The knight took a small step back, ensuring he had space before speaking.

"Mer - er, Emrys?" He said uncertainly "That's what they called you back there. Is that your real name?" Gwaine asked. Lancelot pursed his lips. He hadn't considered _that_. Sure, he had heard magical creatures refer to him as Emrys once or twice but he had always thought it was more of a...Title. Not a name. Luckily, Merlin shook his head.

"My name is Merlin. The druids...That's just the name they gave me in the prophecies." He murmured and Gwaine gave a weak smile.

"It sounds very important."

"I hate it." Merlin said and perhaps his words caught up to him because he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm didn't mean-"

"I've kept secrets." Percival announced, silencing the group. Everyone turned to him. "I never told you about my wife...Or my children." He continued, ignoring the baffled looks that followed. Sure, they had seen the dorocha, but Lancelot wasn't sure why that was relevant now. "I kept my pain to myself and lied whenever I struggled...So I've made the same mistakes you have. No need to apologize."

A pause.

Lancelot wasn't sure if Percival was purposely being obtuse or actually thought that was the issue Merlin was having. He figured he was grateful either way. Merlin's eyes softened, the tension leaving his shoulders slightly.

"They were beautiful," He said softly "I'm sorry you lost them. It must have hurt terribly."

Percival said nothing at first. He just stared at the ground - the setting sun bathing it in gold and shadows. It reminded him a bit of Merlin's eyes.

"Yes," Percival finally agreed "Cenred took them from me. It is something I'll never be able to forgive." He said and paused to tilt his head a bit "You had a...A Jena." He said and Lancelot could only guess that had been his wife's name "You called her Freya?" He prompted. Merlin blinked. He looked startled by the sudden change in topic, but Lancelot figured they all need a moment to breathe...To step away from the magic.

"She was a druid."

Or not. Lancelot inwardly sighed. He _prayed_ that had nothing to do with her death. Arthur took a long breath, clearly calming himself. Merlin didn't seem to notice as he looked thoughtfully off towards the edge of their little clearing to where the trees began to merge together into more of a shapeless blur.

"It wasn't the same when Uther...When Uther was in charge. He wasn't like Arthur." He began and made a bit of a face at the admission before moving on "He used to have witch hunts and bounty hunters. They would bring people in cages and Uther would pay and execute them." He shivered. Lancelot felt a chill go down his spine at that. He he looked at Leon. The man met his eyes and only allowed a stiff nod to confirm his words. "Freya was caught by a bounty hunter and I... I was caught off-guard. She was hurt and hungry and just stuffed in this cage like some kind of wild animal."

"So you rescued her," Gwaine nodded. He seemed unsurprised by Uther's viciousness nor Merlin's act of heroism. "Did they go after her?"

"Yes," Merlin shrugged "But I hid her under the castle. Brought her food. Clothes." He shrugged and kicked the ground "And...You know. She uh, sort of became like Jena." He said with a smile hinting at his lips as he looked at Percival who smiled back. "I had never considered leaving Camelot. Everyone seemed so certain about this whole thing with Arthur and destiny but...I couldn't leave her by _herself_ and...It would have been nice. Just us on a lake with a couple of cows...Surrounded by mountains." He mused. It was so specific that Lancelot was certain they must have discussed it at some point.

"But you couldn't go through with it," Leon said "Because...Arthur?" He guessed. Lancelot nodded vehemently. He knew that despite Leon's tendency to be more traditional that he would at least see the loyalty the servant always had. Merlin grimaced.

"Well..." He said and bit his lip "Um. Arthur did kill her so kind of."

" _What?"_ Arthur interrupted. He put his hands up as if he could silence Merlin with a wave of his hands. "You're lying again."

"I am not," Merlin threw back heatedly "I never said it was your fault. I never blamed you. You didn't have a choice." He snapped. Elyan frowned, brows coming together.

"She...Was evil?"

"No!" Merlin said, eyes widening "God, _no_. She... She was cursed. I didn't know until it was too late. She was trying to...Protect me." He sighed, though the words were bitter. "When Freya was young this man attacked her. She killed him in self-defense. The man's mother was a witch and cursed her to turn into a monster at night so she would be forced to kill forever-"

"The basset." Arthur interrupted. Realization was playing over his face. "I stabbed it and it...It just flew away."

Merlin nodded.

"She saw me. I don't if it was my magic or...Something else, but it allowed her mind to clear for a moment. Anyways. I took her to the Lake of Avalon to die and gave her a funeral out there." He said and his eyes lowered. "She was good." He said, voice brooking no argument. Gwaine nodded his agreement.

"We should eat." Lancelot told them all after a few beats of silence. He got the feeling this conversation was just going to leave them yelling at one another all night. Pushing past Gwaine, he squeezed Merlin's arm. "Let's gather firewood and I'll help you cook." He offered.

* * *

Personally, Elyan was very stressed.

He liked Merlin, sure. They were friends...You know who liked Merlin _more_? Gwen. You know who would possibly destroy the world if anything happened to her best friend? Gwen. You know who Gwen was most critical of when things didn't work out? Elyan.

No offense to Arthur, but he was more scared of his sister than he was of him. Arthur at least was as scary as he looked. Gwen? You never see it coming. One second you're a happy ten-year-old eating porridge thinking putting frogs in your sister's bed is a marvelous prank and the next you are forced to live in with the pigs for two days. True story. Elyan even had a scar from one of the pigs that bit him to prove it. Not that anyone would believe lovely _Guinevere_ could do such a thing.

All of this to say - Merlin could _not_ die.

Gwen would be upset to learn Merlin was a sorcerer, but Elyan was pretty sure that even with that...She was the only person allowed to kill him.

Which meant he had to reason with Arthur and convince him that his first act as king should not be an execution. Normally, this might be an easy task...Arthur was reasonable and wasn't prone to unnecessary violence. However, there was the shock of...Well. Merlin having the one thing that most were taught was evil without question.

Elyan had seen enough of the world to have a neutral stance towards magic. During his travels he had seen many versions of it. Good. Bad. Something in between. It varied as much as people did. The revelation that Merlin could wield magic wasn't too troubling...The rest of it though? Well. Elyan wasn't sure he could defend him on that. Killing people. Hiding things. Whatever else he had done... _That_ Merlin might have to speak for himself.

"We should ask him about Morgana." He finally spoke up. It was the topic he felt most of them were stuck on. Arthur paused.

"Excuse me?"

"Merlin. Did you see how strange he was around Morgana's dorocha? He wasn't scared of her." He pointed out and Arthur pursed his lips, straightening himself to look Elyan in the eyes.

"There was no reason to fear _that_ version of Morgana." He said and fed some more wood to the fire. Elyan tried not to scoff. Sure, he had never met Morgana before she turned into a raving lunatic...but he was convinced she had always been that way. Not that he would ever say that aloud. Sometimes when Gwen spoke of her... Elyan was almost ready to believe she had been as warm and caring as others said she once was. Perhaps the dorocha was proof of that. 

"He also mentioned hemlock." Elyan pressed "I think..." He looked around at where Leon, Percival, and Gwaine were all watching him warily. "Well, I think he deserves a chance to explain everything." He told them stubbornly. He couldn't have all these pieces of information floating around Arthur's head with no context. Morgana might be the biggest thing to make Arthur wary of Merlin aside from the whole magic ordeal. Gwaine bit his lip.

"He...Should..." The knight agreed, crossing his arms over his chest "But you've seen how he is right now. Maybe this isn't the best time-"

"I think it would be better if this all got resolved quickly." Elyan said pointedly with a glance towards Arthur. The king took a long breath before looking over at his knights.

"Glad to see you've banded together over this." He told them dryly and ran a hand through his hair. Immediately, Elyan felt a stab of guilt. He hadn't considered how at odds Arthur must feel in these moments. Everyone seemed to ready to defend Merlin without even understanding what he _done_. Even knowing he had magic and clearly took lives. Given all of Arthur's previous betrayals...He supposed that would sting.

"We just don't want you to make a mistake," He told the king quietly. "You have always been a great leader... And a good man. The dorocha said some things about Merlin that didn't sound good, but some of it..." He started and glanced at Gwaine.

"It sounds like he's loyal to you," Gwaine shrugged "And is keeping your royal backside alive. It seems like a shame to murder him." He added. Elyan winced at the lack of tact. Then again, that's what he got for looking to Gwaine for help. Arthur said nothing. He only continued to tend to the fire as if it needed all of his concentration.

"How much more wood do we need...?" Lancelot's voice called, poking out from between the trees. "I figured I should ask before dragging Merlin all the way back here before getting sent to get more." He asked, voice light as possible. Everyone grimaced. "What?"

"When he gets back, we need to ask him about Morgana." Elyan supplied as Percival and Leon sat on either side of Arthur. Lancelot rose an eyebrow.

"Now? I'm not sure-"

"Lancelot." Percival interrupted and subtly jerked his head at where Arthur was still by the fire. The knight paused, eyes flicking over his shoulder before he shuffled into the camp and sat across from them.

"I can tell you." He said and Arthur's eyes flickered "I'll tell you how I learned about his magic too." He added. Elyan grabbed some bread from his pack, handing it to Arthur wordlessly as he also sat around the fire. Lancelot waited, eyes waiting for permission. Arthur nodded.

"Well..." Lancelot said, wrinkling his nose in thought "You know I had met Merlin when the griffin was attacking, right?" He started and everyone nodded. It was a familiar story that had explained how Merlin and Lancelot's relationship was closer than most. "He's the one who forged my papers of nobility. I hadn't known he used magic then...I just thought he was a really good artist." He smiled a little "Though I was a bit...Suspicious, I suppose. Still, he was doing it because he believed in me and so I let it go to my head a bit." He explained, tugging off his gloves so he could put his hands over the fire. "Anyways, the night we fought the griffin it...Well, it wasn't me that killed it. I always hated the fact I got credit it for it."

Arthur looked up.

"Merlin."

"Merlin," Lancelot agreed "I remember running at it with me spear. I figured I would honor the title you gave me even if your father rejected it...but I knew I would die if I faced it. You could imagine my surprise when the end of my spear burst into blue flames." He rolled his eyes and some fondness crept into his voice "Merlin seemed so... _shocked_ when he realized I knew. As if I could miss that." He snorted. Elyan secretly wondered if he had maybe been just as obvious in the past...Except Arthur hadn't been so observant. He bit his tongue to keep the comment from rising.

"Anyways, I had seen enough of him to know he was no danger to Arthur. He was my friend...but more importantly he was _Arthur's_ friend. I figured that was enough." He said and nudged the wood "He's done a lot, you know...I wasn't joking about the two immortal armies. He defeated them both. He's always done what was needed to keep you safe. Even if it puts himself at risk." He added quietly. Arthur said nothing, though his jaw clenched a little at the words.

"And Morgana?" He asked instead, ignoring Lancelot's gently probing.

"Morgana..." Lancelot repeated "I never knew her well, but I knew her and Merlin were friends. He told me what happened not too long ago." He grimaced and ran a hand over his face. "She...Well, she started using magic on accident I guess. Her nightmares were premonitions and all those fires in her chambers were just her magic flaring up. Merlin... Didn't like that. He wanted to help her. Teach her how to control it." He explained and went silent for a moment, mulling over his words. "I think he regrets that he never did." 

"Did he think she would turn him into Uther?" Leon asked and shook his head "She wouldn't have. Not back then."

"I believe you," Lancelot said and tapped his fingers on his knee "But...I guess he mentioned the Great Dragon. His name is Kilgharrah. Merlin says he's an ass."

Percival snorted.

"He's been like Merlin's advisor since he arrived in Camelot. Things like dragons and druids can speak in his mind so sometimes they, uh...Talk to him a lot. Tell him things. Merlin said he used to go to him for advice but stopped because they argued a lot." He said. Elyan tried not to laugh at the mental image of a small Merlin yelling at a huge dragon. The idea seemed ridiculous. "Anyways, Kilgharrah said that Merlin couldn't help Morgana because she was dangerous. That he shouldn't trust her and if he did it could put Arthur at risk."

Elyan supposed that was a fair deterrent.

"But...It's Merlin so obviously he tried to find a loophole. He apparently found some druids and told her to go to them to learn about her magic...I guess she had trusted him enough to tell him the truth." He added and Arthur nodded, not looking surprised. "But Uther thought they had kidnapped her and..." He started, voice going quiet for a few seconds. Arthur's eyes snapped up.

"I remember that. We...We went after her and attacked. You're saying she went to them for _help?"_ He asked, voice hardening "We killed those people. A fair few, anyways." He said and the anger was rising again. "Why wouldn't she-"

"Arthur, she was scared." Lancelot interrupted gently. "She wasn't going to tell you for some of the same reasons Merlin didn't tell you."

It may have been the truth, but Elyan still wished he hadn't said it. It was far too painful, clearly. Elyan tried to imagine if this was Gwen. If she had turned evil and he was forced to listen years later on why and how it had happened. He wished he could provide some sort of comfort...

"After that...She wanted Uther dead. Almost killed him on her own a few times, but never went through with it according to Merlin. Then she met Morgause and it all went downhill. Especially once she realized they were sisters." He said and Elyan balked. _Sisters?_ Morgause and Morgana looked nothing alike. He glanced at Gwaine who made a face in slight disgust. "They teamed up and...Well, there was still some good in her. She didn't mean everyone harm. Just Uther." Lancelot said, clicking his tongue "But Morgause had...Gone too far. I know Merlin blames himself for what happened but I think it was Morgause entirely." He sniffed. The fire crackled and Lancelot glanced back out towards the forest as if to make sure Merlin didn't come sneaking around "The sleeping spell Morgause placed on Camelot...She had made Morgana the host or whatever. The spell lived on for as long as Morgana lived."

"Hemlock." Percival finally said "He poisoned her."

"She still trusted him...So when he gave her the water she took it." Lancelot nodded "The spell broke, but Merlin wanted to save her. He told Morgause the antidote so she could heal her. Which ended up being a mistake. When Morgana came back she was...Well. The way she is." He grimaced and shook his head "At one point, Merlin told me he killed her. Again. Almost. Sent her tumbling down some stairs. It caused a lot of bleeding in her brain."

Gwaine raised his eyebrows at that.

"Explains a lot." He muttered. Elyan elbowed him.

"But I guess after seeing everyone grieving her death... Well, Merlin cracked and healed her. That's how she found out she was Uther's daughter too. Uther had said it while she was unconscious and she heard him." He added and there was a few moments of silence. "That's really it. They've been enemies ever since. I even once heard there's a prophecy that Merlin will kill her one day. Though... I never brought it up to him. I don't think he likes to think about it." He admitted.

Elyan sat back. There was...Well. A lot of bad decision making wrapped up in all of this. Morgana's story was almost _sympathetic_. In fact, Elyan could easily see why she hated Uther so much...And Merlin. She had trusted him with her magic and ultimately he was the one who tried to kill her. Elyan could only imagine how she would feel if she ever learned Merlin had magic too... Which led him back to the servant. He definitely should have let Morgana die when he had the chance - but ultimately Elyan could see why he had made every decision he had. Clearly, he was a heart over mind kind of person. At least he was. He wasn't sure about now. Lancelot leaned forward.

"But...Arthur, she doesn't know." He added and everyone frowned at him in unison. "Morgana doesn't know that Merlin is Emrys...Or that he even has magic."

"How does she not know?" Leon objected "You say he is the reason she hasn't taken over Camelot and they are enemies-"

"Merlin has worked very hard to keep his identity a secret," Lancelot interrupted "There are many people who know about Emrys. They know the only way to kill Arthur is to kill him. I don't know if Morgana knows about this or not yet but... Nobody suspects a servant. It's a perfect cover, really. He's always around Arthur. Hears what's going on in the castle." Lancelot shrugged "Only druids are able to tell who he is on sight. Others though? He doesn't even tell other magic users." He said and silence fell over them. Elyan glanced at Arthur.

"Lancelot! Do we need more firewood or...?" Merlin's voice called. There were a few snaps and leaves crunching before Merlin was made visible towards the edge of camp. He looked at where the knights were all gathered and winced. "Ah. Okay." He said and dumped the pile of sticks down. "I'll uh...Get more."

"I'm sorry about Kilgharrah." Arthur called. Elyan sighed. Clearly, this wasn't over.

* * *

Arthur was an ass.

Yeah, Gwaine served him and was a loyal knight or whatever, but also he was an _ass_. Merlin froze and turned back, brows raising in surprise.

"Sorry?" He repeated and Arthur jutted out his chin.

"I killed the Great Dragon, didn't I?" He asked and Gwaine could have punched him. "I hadn't known you were friends." He said blandly. Gwaine watched Merlin's face hardened a bit. He had heard of the Great Dragon killing many innocent people. His mind jumped back to the words the one dorocha had said... Something about not only seeing him but the other murdered souls as well? It hadn't made much sense at the time but...

"No you didn't." Gwaine said, startled by his own realization. The others turned to him. He met Merlin's eyes. "You did."

It was so obvious he wasn't sure how he hadn't seen it before. Gwaine had heard the tale of dragons at one point in his life. He always thought it was strange Arthur had managed to slay one but...Well, it's _Arthur_. He always seemed to do the impossible.

"I..." Merlin started and took a long breath "Balinor was my father." Gwaine had _no_ idea what that meant, but based on Arthur's expression he did. Merlin looked him in the eyes, unyielding as he stared at him. "I hadn't known until we left to hunt him down. We... After he died his power went to me." He explained. Arthur leaned back, considering for a moment.

"You're a dragon lord then."

"Yes." Merlin said and opened his mouth "But...There is something else you should know." He added and stepped further to the camp. Lancelot offered him a warm smile, giving a nod of encouragement. Gwaine considered doing the same but knew he would probably look like he was enjoying the chaos. "I was the one who freed Kilgharrah." He said, spitting the words out as if he couldn't stand to keep them in much longer. Tension rose.

"And..." Arthur said slowly "Why would you do that?"

"I had...Made a promise to do so. I was desperate." Merlin said and swallowed "You wouldn't know this but...The whole thing with Cedric." He said and rolled his eyes. For a moment, Arthur's expression changed - softened. Gwaine wasn't sure who Cedric was, but it was clearly a memory that only existed between them. "It was more complicated than him trying to steal my job and rob you." He said dryly. "Basically the spirit of an evil sorcerer possessed him and I had to figure how to put his soul back into a stone." He said with a shrug. As if that was a normal day in the life of a servant "I needed Kilgharrah to tell me how. He wouldn't unless I agreed to free him."

"Cedric happened long before the dragon was released." Arthur said. It would seem he was determined to accuse Merlin of lying about literally everything at this point.

"I thought he might do something horrible...I tried to wait as long as I could, but eventually..." He trailed off "I needed his help and he wouldn't give it to me. Not until I made good on my promise." He admitted "I'm sorry. I never knew how much destruction he would cause."

"At least it's dead now." Arthur sighed and Merlin coughed.

"Uh...Well. He's...Not quite dead."

"You've got to be kidding me," Arthur growled, throwing up his hands "That thing _murdered_ my people and you allowed it to live-"

"You murdered _my_ people and I allow you to live." Merlin said sharply. Gwaine felt his eyes widened. Bold words. Part of him wanted to 'ooh' at it but knew it would lead to a very bad outcome.

" _Allow?"_ Arthur repeated, standing up. Gwaine did too as did the rest of the knights at the escalation. "You must have a strong opinion of your magic." He said dangerously and Merlin's expression flickered for a moment. Something sad crossed his face before turning into the smallest of smiles.

"I told you once that I could take you apart with much less than one blow." He said and Arthur blinked. For a moment he stared before sighing.

"Even then."

"I already said I was born this way," Merlin said and looked him over "It doesn't change who I am."

"Yes it does," Arthur muttered and turned away to grab some water from a stray wineskin. "You pretended to be someone else. I don't know you."

"That's not true-"

"You turned Morgana _away_. How can you say you care so much about your people when you wouldn't even help someone like you? You're angry I've killed those with magic but if _anyone_ could have convinced me that it was good it was her. And you didn't tell her truth. I never thought you could be so cruel."

"Easy." Gwaine interrupted and held up a hand. Leon grabbed his arm and shook his head. Traitor. He jerked away, silently berating the other man for intervening as Merlin stared back.

"I know." He said simply.

"Because a _dragon_ said she would be evil? It was a self-fulfilling prophecy!"

"Arthur," Merlin interrupted "I. Know. Trust me. But the truth of the matter is I had to choose between her and you and I chose you."

"No," Arthur shot back bitterly "A dragon chose me. All you've done is for destiny because you expect me to free your kind."

Wait. Wait a moment - Gwaine almost jumped. He wasn't the best with emotions, but he suddenly felt as if he had a burst of brilliance to decipher Arthur's. No. Gwaine looked over at Arthur's face closely, seeing the tightness of his features. Arthur wasn't much of an open person but there was no doubt he was more closed off than usual. Damn...He wished he was a druid now to do the mind-thing with Merlin. He hoped Arthur's comment tipped him off too.

"That's not true!" Merlin said, sounding more offended than he had the entire trip...Which was saying a lot because those druids had _not_ been kind. "I...Is that what you think?" He asked, eyes narrowing. "God, you're an _ass_."

"Merlin." Lancelot interrupted, voice worn and exasperated. Gwaine made a note to buy him a pint later. Gwaine had a sneaking suspicion that a magical Merlin might have even more attitude than regular Merlin. The thought excited Gwaine, but he could see how that might stress Lancelot out.

"You think that I have been kidnapped, tortured, and poisoned because of _destiny?"_ Merlin demanded "My best friend died right in front of my eyes to save you. My _father_ died in my arms along with the woman I loved. I fought witches, griffins, immortal armies - and those were on good days. Most of the days I've just been terrified of Uther coming along to set me on fire. Or worse, _you_ being the one to kill me. Not to mention, I've been working for you and Gaius the entire time which - believe me - has been probably the biggest struggle of all! Don't you think after awhile I would have just thrown in the towel? After all, destiny is _not_ worth cleaning a thousand leech tanks, trust me." He grumbled with a wild wave of his hands "Let alone watching hundreds of executions, dealing with an obnoxious dragon and literally failing in every way possible. The only thing I've done well it is keeping you alive and that's because that is the only thing that _matters_. Not because you're supposed to free my people. I've clearly done a bad job helping them out," He added with a frustration inhale "You're my friend." He paused "Even if you are sometimes the _worst_."

There was a pause and Gwaine almost believed for a moment that Merlin's words might have stuck a chord.

"Me?" Arthur shot back "You - _you_ are the worst. Sulking around with your stupid magic and acting like an idiot all the time-"

"My stupid magic only exists to keep your stupid head on your shoulders!"

"Well maybe you should use your magic for something else."

"You can't tell me what to do with my magic. It's mine. Not yours."

"Tell that to your bloody _destiny_."

"I just said - ugh!" Merlin shouted and stormed off back into the forest. The group paused. Gwaine wasn't entirely for sure if this was a good or bad conversation. On one hand, the argument seemed more...Them. But it had also been an argument. Lancelot jutted a thumb over his shoulder.

"My lord, should I go...? Okay." He said and went off after Merlin. Arthur threw his blanket down and laid next to the fire, muttering to himself,

"Gwaine, take first watch." He said and Gwaine nodded.

"Uh. Okay. Sure." He said and glanced around at the group. Nobody else was going to question...? Okay. Why not? Gwaine picked up his sword and internally pleaded that they kept this up a little bit longer. He didn't like seeing Merlin or Arthur upset, but when they both inevitably saw reason. Well. Gwaine had a lot of material to work with.

* * *

Leon was...Confused.

Merlin was still...Here. And angry. Then there was Arthur who was also angry.

Yet the sun had rose and they had all rode out together as if nothing had changed. Merlin still did his usual chores and Arthur didn't stop him from coming along. Leon had admittedly expected him to have already made a decision about whether they were having an execution or not. Especially when they found the stag.

"It's leg is broken," Gwaine said and sighed "A shame we don't have enough room to bring it with us. It would be an excellent meal." He licked his lips. "Uh...Sorry, Merlin." He added when the servant scowled at him. Merlin rolled his eyes and slipped off the back of his horse. The stag had nervously been trying to back away from them as the horses surrounded it, but paused when Merlin stepped forward.

"Hi," Merlin greeted and held out his hand "I can help you."

Leon paused. He wasn't certain he liked where this is going.

"Merlin..." He warned, clearing his throat "My understanding is there is a balance with magic. If you heal that thing one of _us_ might get a broken leg." He pointed out. Merlin turned to look at him with his brows raised. Leon felt a stab of indignation. "I only know because Uther warned us of such things." He said defensively. Merlin smiled a little and turned back to the stag.

"There is a balance with magic, but none of you will be harmed." He said and muttered something under his breath. There was a flash of gold in his eyes and left Leon unsettled. He had to fight not to grab his sword. He wanted to turn to Arthur to figure out if they were attacking, but was immediately distracted by the stag. It put its leg to the ground as if to test it. After a few moments it jerked it's head up and nudged Merlin. "You're welcome." The servant laughed and patted his head. He backed away so it could trot away and turned back to the knights.

"My magic is drawn from life," He explained, getting back on his horse "Nature. Happiness. Stuff like that. I can draw from myself to heal it and draw from it to heal myself or others." He said with a shrug "The balance thing doesn't always apply with me either. I don't know why." He added and Gwaine laughed.

"Because you're Emrys." He said, sounding pleased "What else can you do?" He asked. Merlin gave him an exasperated look but Leon could see the amusement hinting at his features as he rubbed the mare's neck. Leon wondered if that was why Merlin hated hunting so much. The man always seemed to flinch whenever they caught game or wounded an animal as if it hurt _him_. Perhaps it really had if he had this connection with it.

Leon almost felt a little guilty. Almost.

He knew - as did many - that magic was the root of all evil. It corrupted good men and made bad men worse. His father had told him and Mary of the times before the purge...Still. Leon thought back to the druids who had saved him. What would his sister have thought? He swallowed, letting his mind flicker back to the present.

"We should keep moving." Was all Arthur said on the matter before urging his horse forward.

The entrance back to Camelot had been the worst. The town was already in mourning. When people saw them coming many knelt, bowing their heads rather than the usual cheering. Silence surrounded them until one man stood up.

"Long live the king!"

"The king!" The rest echoed and Leon winced. He wished they would at least wait until Arthur's coronation. Leon had been careful to stay away from Uther's death on their way back. Arthur clearly had enough on his plate without digesting his father's demise. Still, there was no avoiding it now as they entered the king's bedroom where Uther was sprawled out on he floor. 

"Why is he not in bed?" Arthur demanded, voice high with rage. One guard stepped forward, bowing his head as he gestured the stuttering servant who had been talking to Arthur back.

"My lord, I was there when the dorocha took your father's life." He said and looked down at Uther's body "A young man came to him. The king didn't seem frightened. He smiled and asked for his body not to be moved before reaching for him." He explained and let his eyes fall "I'm sorry I was not quick enough to save him, your majesty. I've failed you." He added on. Arthur's anger withered for a moment before evaporating all together.

"It is not your fault." He answered and patted him on the shoulder before pushing past. Leon followed. He watched as Arthur stared down, taking in the whiteness of the corpse. How still it was. Leon moved in closer.

"Do you remember when my sister died?" He asked and Arthur's gaze broke away, startled.

"Of course," He answered "Mary was always welcomed here. It was a horrible day she died." He said. Leon heard the silent _and a horrible way_ also tacked on there, but didn't comment on it.

"Your father rode to our house that day," Leon said instead, looking down at the man "I remember him walking in and my mother was trying not to cry...But Uther told her she could and he would be the same if it were him." He said. Leon had thought of the times Uther _had_ believed Arthur to been dead. The words had not been a lie. "After the funeral, he took me aside and asked me if I needed anything. I said I just...I just needed Mary back."

There was a heavy pause.

"But I couldn't have that. So I told him I wanted to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. He offered to personally train me to be a knight right then and there." He smiled and looked up at Arthur "He wasn't the best man, my lord. I know he has made many mistakes. You must know too. That's why you did what you did."

Arthur closed his eyes.

"But you have the best parts of him. Always have. I don't believe you'll make the same mistakes." He said carefully and tilted his head. Arthur looked around them for a moment, ensuring the guards and servants were far from the room before speaking again.

"You mean magic." He said lowly. Leon shrugged. "I did not think you would be a proponent of legalizing such a thing."

"I'm...Not sure I am," Leon admitted "But after hearing what happened to Morgana and...The druid girl Merlin loved. I can't help but wonder what other stories there are. I became a knight to keep those in power from harming those with so little. I like to think I've done well in that, but perhaps I can do better." He said and looked over his shoulder to where Merlin was keeping people from peering in the doorway. "We're lucky Merlin is so resilient." He added on gently. The knight thought back to when he had healed the stag. How pleased he had been...How caring. Arthur tensed. "I believe there are more stories he has yet to tell us."

The king didn't say anything at first, but Leon figured he wouldn't.

"I fear the same." He finally said and knelt by his father, closing opened eyes. 

* * *

Percival missed the dorocha.

Which he knew was an evil thing to even think. Still, he missed his daughter's laugh. His son's smile. Having it stolen from him again felt like a blade to the heart. He tried not to think of Kaia or Jena much...but he found it harder not to look around at the knights around him and wonder what kind of man his son would have been.

"Tell me something," He said, sitting next to Merlin. They were outside the throne room where Arthur had moved his father's body. The servant tilted his head at him and nodded. He looked tired. "The man. The one you burned. Who was he?" He asked and Merlin made a face. "You said you thought he was your friend."

"Yeah. His name was Edwin. He was...Well. He was a sorcerer that came to Camelot. Morgana was sick and he used magic to heal her. What I _hadn't_ realized was he was the one to get her sick in order to demonstrate to Uther he was a better physician to get Gaius' job." Merlin explained and bit his lip "I hadn't really meant to kill him. It all happened so fast and he was going to kill Gaius and-"

"You don't have to justify it," Percival interrupted "I've killed plenty." He smiled weakly. Merlin's shoulders wilted a bit and he nodded, twisting his hands together. "What are you doing out here?"

"Arthur," He shrugged "I don't want him to feel he is alone."

Percival wondered how anyone could be so...Well. He wasn't sure what Merlin was. Perhaps the word hadn't been invented yet. It was a good thing to be though, he was certain. Percival didn't really know Merlin as well as the others - well, as well as the others _thought_ they knew him. He nodded and leaned back. Merlin tilted his head a bit in confusion, but said nothing. A few minutes later Lancelot walked by, slowing down as he saw the pair on the ground.

"What are you doing?"

"Keeping Arthur company." He said with a nod towards the door. Lancelot looked over his shoulder to where the doors were closed behind them and then back to where Percival and Merlin were waiting. "Want to join?" Percival asked. Lancelot's lips tugged a bit before he ruffled Merlin's hair and sat down. Elyan and Leon came by a few minutes later to join them as well.

"Are we going to stay here the _whole_ time?" Gwaine asked as he flicked his hair out of his face "What about food?"

"We _just_ ate." Elyan pointed out and Gwaine turned to Percival for support.

"We, uh...Do need to eat again at some point." He tried "To stay alive."

"You hear that?" Gwaine demanded, jerking a thumb at Percival "To _stay alive_!" He nodded and Elyan scowled. Unfortunately for all of them, Gwaine's eyes brightened before flicking to Merlin. He leaned in, voice dropping comically to a whisper. "Can you, uh...You know." He said and wiggled his fingers. Merlin snorted.

"Theoretically, I suppose I could." He mused and Leon hit the back of Merlin's head. "Hey!"

"People are around."

"I wasn't _going to_."

"You weren't?" Gwaine grimaced and laid down on the floor, arms sprawled out. "Guys, I know this is super nice but I don't think Arthur can actually feel the difference." He whined. Merlin looked at Percival before jerking his head. Baffled, Percival leaned in and Merlin leaned in to whisper something in his ear.

" _Bubulae_."

"What?" Percival asked, but was interrupted by feel something press into his hand. He looked down to find a piece of beef in his grip.

"Percival has food." Merlin announced and Gwaine almost knocked him in over in attempt to get the meat. Percival didn't put up much of a fight. Partly because he was shocked and partly because Gwaine really _did_ look hungry. He turned to look at Merlin incredulously. The man only gave small smile before turning back to the group.

If his son had lived...Perhaps Percival would have hoped he might be like Merlin.

* * *

When Arthur left the throne room it was to find all of his knights fast sleep on the floor and Merlin patiently waiting, looking just as exhausted.

"Have you been here all night?" He asked and Merlin rubbed his eyes, nodding as he stood up.

"I didn't want you to feel that you were alone." He said simply and looked at him. Arthur stared back. His chest felt strangely...Empty. He wanted to be angry. To be...Something. But with his father's body behind him and coronation near he wasn't sure he could feel much of anything. It was like a strange trance to get him through the impossible.

"Come on," He finally jerked his head "Walk with me."

Merlin carefully stepped over a snoring Elyan to fall into pace. Arthur didn't say anything at first. The castle had ears he didn't really want this conversation to be overheard. Whirling through the halls, he led them towards the practice grounds. None of the knights were out. Just abandoned equipment and the sun beating down.

"Don't tell me you're going to train right now." Merlin muttered and Arthur picked up a training sword and tossed it at him. "I'd rather you just behead me Arthur."

"Part of me wants to," He admitted and grabbed his own sword. Merlin grimaced. "There's more you haven't told me."

"You have no idea." Merlin sighed and rose the training sword. Arthur nodded. He had figured as much. He got into his stance, raising the sword slightly. Merlin made a face. "Are you...? _Arthur_." He complained.

"What?" He asked and something about how _irritated_ Merlin looked made him almost forget everything and grin at him "I just want to train."

"While I tell you-"

"I'll be less likely to want to kill you if I'm already beating you with a stick." He shrugged and Merlin gave a huff of annoyance before raising his own stick. "So...Tell me about this world a dragon has decreed we build, Lord Merlin."

"Don't call me that."

"Right, right. You're the druid leader...King Merlin."

"Can you not be an ass?" Merlin muttered and ducked when Arthur took the first swipe at him. "You're going to be passive aggressive while hitting me with a stick?"

"After years of lying? Be grateful."

* * *

In a way, Merlin was grateful for Arthur's stupid ways of handling things. It was hard to feel too emotional as he desperately dodged and parried - trying to avoid Arthur whacking him between gulps of breaths. He had gotten through a fair bit. His arrival to Camelot. Valiant. Nimueh. Edwin. Sophia. Mordred....Arthur's mother.

"So it was true?" Arthur asked, momentarily pausing "What Morgause said about my mother."

Merlin nodded.

"I...I know I shouldn't have lied to you about that - but if you had killed your father like that..." He said, voice tightening. "You would have regretted. I know you would have." He said and Arthur blinked. For a moment his face tightened but after a few seconds he let the sword fall to his side.

"If I had killed my father I would have allowed magic back into the realm," He shook his head "Merlin that _had_ to be what the prophecy meant." Warily, Merlin lowered his own sword. "Why didn't you just let me kill him? You would have been free."

"I just _said_ you would have regretted it." Merlin sighed. Did he _ever_ listen? Arthur stared.

"So you meant that...What you said earlier." He said, though it sounded more to himself than Merlin. He tilted his head and Arthur completely let the sword fall to his side. "You weren't using me." He added and his voice seemed to fall a bit at the realization. Merlin walked over...And whacked him with the sword. " _Merlin-_ "

"I said you were my friend. I didn't lie about that."

"You've lied about everything else!"

"Is that really the issue you have?" Merlin said and immediately Arthur flinched. He paused. Oh. "I...I didn't mean it to sound that way." He added, voice softening. "I can understand why-"

"No," Arthur interrupted and tossed his sword to the side. "It is a stupid thing to be hung up about. I'm a king now. I shouldn't be concerned about something so...Trivial." He decided and Merlin sniffed.

"My friendship is _trivial?"_ He repeated and at Arthur's exasperated expression, backed off. After all, Merlin was beginning to feel the leftover anger and panic in him wither. He felt as if he had been lashing out left and right since the dorocha appeared. All of the anger and resentment and fear had been spilling out of him - unable to stop. He supposed bits of sanity had been buried with each of them...And seeing their shadows made him realize exactly how crazy his time in Camelot had left him.

"I'm sorry...About what the Cailleach said to you." Arthur said finally and Merlin's eyes snapped to him. "It is wrong to tell someone that their actions determine what world their people will live in. Nobody should have to feel as though they can't be true to their feelings. That they must let anger bottle up inside or fear hidden. I think that's what happened to my father and Morgana." He said and Merlin swallowed.

"I'd imagine a king would feel the same way." He said and Arthur smiled weakly. "I'm sorry I lied to you...I just...Really didn't want to die." He admitted and even though it wasn't funny, he laughed. Arthur stared at him as if he was insane for a couple seconds before seeing the obvious humor to it and joining in. "I think I've finally lost my mind." He admitted "The stress has gotten to me."

"I've always thought you were a bit..." Arthur whistled a bit and Merlin resisted the urge to whack him again. "What are you going to do about the druids?"

"What are _you_ going to do?" He asked and Arthur grimaced. Part of Merlin wanted to ask about what the dorocha had said to him. To ask why he had killed them or at least figure out the story behind it. Arthur's eyes met his and for a second all he could see was defeat.

"Perhaps..." He said and paused "Perhaps you should join them. Be the leader they want you to be."

"You mean banishment." Merlin sighed and threw down the sword "Right. Of course." He said and shook his head "I can't leave you here unprotected." He said and Arthur rolled his eyes. "I'm serious, Arthur. There are still people who will try to kill you. If I'm not there then-"

"Has it always been you?" Arthur interrupted. Merlin stopped. The words came out so rushed that he was still trying to decipher them when the king continued "Every trial I've gone through - every quest or challenge I've completed to prove I'm worthy as a king... It was you. Keeping me alive. Keeping my father alive. Keeping my people alive. Keeping curses and witches and sorcerers out."

Merlin opened his mouth. All those years ago...He had so _desperately_ wanted credit for his efforts and pains. That part of him was gone, sure, but that didn't stop the bitterness from rising when he realized he would finally get what he had wanted. He just hadn't realized it would be as Arthur discredited himself.

"You're worthy." Merlin told him and dropped his sword to the ground. The king tossed his own stick to the side, kicking it a little as he went.

"How? What have I _done_? I haven't slayed a dragon. I haven't protected my people - I sacrificed my own _father_. My coronation is on the back of patricide." He said, pacing back and forth. Merlin tried not to be annoyed...He supposed to Arthur, Uther's death would be significant...but the truth was to him? Not so much. "I'm not-"

"You _are_." Merlin interrupted before he could finish. Arthur looked at him.

"Why?" He asked and Merlin's mind flittered back to the Cailleach's parting words.

"Because I say you are." He said and the king paused to look at him. "I'm magic and the prophecy says magic shall judge the Once and Future King. I _chose_ you, Arthur. The only reason I bothered with Camelot at all was because I met you. I've seen plenty of great warriors and great men with and without titles. But you're more than that," He shrugged "Whenever you aren't being a prat you're a good man." He said and kicked the ground "I can choose anyone...but I choose you and so you have to deal with being worthy." He said. Arthur opened his mouth " _Deal with it_."

Rolling his eyes, Arthur held his hands up in surrender, but Merlin could tell he wasn't completely convinced. He supposed they would have to address that more at a different time.

"If anyone isn't worthy..." Merlin tacked on and shook his head. He had messed up so many times. The guilt felt unreal as the druids' words bounced in his head - sharp and accusing. Hell, even his words to himself had hit hard. Arthur pressed his lips together, watching him carefully.

"Are you even human?" He asked and Merlin blinked.

"I...Yes, I think so." He said, hoping to every god in existence that was true. Arthur nodded.

"Then perhaps hold yourself to human standards," He suggested warily and looked out across the field towards where the sun was beginning to peak out from behind the castle. "You understand I can't legalize magic. Not yet...Maybe not for a long time."

Merlin nodded. He figured it was a bit naive to expect Arthur to fix everything within a few days of learning the truth.

"But you won't kill me?" He asked brightly and Arthur's eyes flicked back to him.

"You would let me, wouldn't you?" He asked. Merlin blinked. "You could stop me but you wouldn't." He said with a shake of his head. Merlin shrugged. He had really hoped it wouldn't ever come to that. Arthur clicked his tongue. "No. I'm not going to kill you, Merlin. I think I've had enough of dorochas for now." He admitted.

"Yeah...Me too." He agreed and bit his lip "Uh, you realize I won't stop breaking the law, then? I have to keep you alive still." He added on. Arthur made a face but nodded. "You are just going to have to trust that I won't become evil." He tacked on. There was a pause. 

"I suppose I will," He sighed and took steps towards the castle, jerking his head for Merlin to follow "What does 'Once and Future King' mean anyways?"

"I don't know...Maybe you're immortal? My druidic name means everlasting."

"Then why the Hell are you working to hard to keep me _alive?"_ Arthur demanded, though there was no real heat to it. "Besides, clearly we can both die considering since we both had dorocha versions." He objected. Merlin bit back a smile and the reminder of young Arthur.

"Maybe these are immortal versions of us?" He asked. He supposed he didn't mind it. Despite everything...He liked where he had ended up. Who he was. Sure, he could do better but when it came down to the grit of things...

"I'll keep you alive if you keep me alive." Arthur offered. Merlin got the feeling he wasn't talking about physically. Which was a lot more reassuring, actually. He turned and looked at him. His coronation would be soon. It was going to be _awful_ getting everything ready but part of him still felt a little excited about it. Maybe these were the parts of themselves he wanted to stay.

"Deal."

**Author's Note:**

> Deadass was going to make this a oneshot and leave it there. I figured after all of this though, I gotta show you what happens after they seal the veil so. Yeah. To be continued.


End file.
